I’m sitting here thinking of all these things I want to do. No matter how big or small they are, I want to do them and I don’t. I don’t know so much if it’s that I don’t have the time to do it or that I’m too lazy or that the confidence level isn’t there… I just don’t do them. I don’t push myself towards them. I’m not motivated to do so. Here’s a few examples, things I’ve not been able to stop thinking about…
1) Take a dance class. (I have looked into this one)
2) Go back to school majoring in English or Literature or Speech (Something along those lines).
3) Learn Spanish
4) Take a photography class
There is a “Zumba” class at the local YMCA that is on Thursday nights, I learned about it several months ago and it’s just now become available to take. I’ve wanted to go for the last three weeks and I haven’t. I always make some excuse, the most popular of them being, “I can’t go alone, there is no way I’m going by myself.” So I asked, Wonder Woman Heather (that’s our daycare provider) whom I get along with swimmingly… She’s agreed to go next Thursday… I’m pretty damn excited. She’s going in hopes to lose weight in a relaxed and fun atmosphere and I am going in hopes to gain a small amount of rhythm and to have fun. It’s a combination of salsa dance and aerobics, so this should be interesting. I’m also wanting to do Pilates… I just haven’t asked Heather if she wants to join.
As far as the school thing, it’s a little far-fetched right now to do… But I’m not exactly helping my situation any. I have to get a grip on my spending habits if I ever want to achieve this goal.. Ugh. Spanish goes hand in hand with this as well.
I wouldn’t even know where to begin with a photography class. I e-mailed a photography who’s work I admire to see if she’d let me shadow her a few times to learn about camera basics. She never did e-mail me back, I didn’t take the rejection well, as I have not e-mailed anyone else about this. I’d love to learn to use my camera, but I have to do it hands on and the book they give you isn’t exactly English! I don’t know if there are classes at the local college for this either. Suppose I could do some checking into it…
It just seems like there are millions of things I want to do… I’m not doing any of them. I was always, very much, the extrovert. I threw myself out there, I had fun and I took risks. I faced challenges head on and conquered them. Has life just gotten the better of me? I want Rileigh so much to grow up like the girl I was. I was fearless. I wasn’t worried what people would think and I certainly wasn’t worried about getting embarrassed.
I feel like a stranger in my own body now. I’m indecisive about things I’ve never been indecisive about. I sleep constantly and I complain non-stop. I really do feel like I may be depressed. I’ve always been one to exaggerate. But with Dan accidentally shooting himself, I felt that maybe I was taking it too hard and refused to let myself. Same with this depression business. I feel like I’m making too much of it. I’m not feeling well though and that’s why I’m seeking therapy. We’ll see what goes on from there.
