I've seen this around a few blogs... I was tempted to do my own. I'm warning you--it's horrible. But it was a huge challenge and I had fun doing it.

Another night stuck here at work.
Business as usual-I'm going berserk!
Can't leave early-no end in sight,
Don't you know it's gonna be a long night!
Everything is silent and everyone is still.
Free to do anything-so much time to kill.
Got othing to do, nothing to say,
Have my notebook and pen much like every day.
I usually find ways to pass the time.
Just like tonight, tryin' to make this thing rhyme!
Kinda difficult if I must confess
Lovein' every minute of it-trying my best!
My paper is curling and it's bugging me!
Now I've turned the page-no need to worry!
Only a few more lines to write...
Probably should go grab a bite...
Quit writing this silly peom here.
Rather, I've noticed, I've switched a gear...
Sometimes I wonder if it's ADHD
That causes me to switch ideas so suddenly!
"Unique" is another way to describe it,
Various things probably won't make this poem a hit.
With every line I'm nearer to the end.
Xylophone-is that cheating or a rule bend?
You'll probably think this poem is crap,
ZEBRA CAKES! (I don't care, cause this is a wrap!!!)

And... I might mention ZEBRA CAKES is what I decided to snack on... That's why it made it's way into my poem.. That and I had no idea which word to use for the letter "Z"...

Ha, it was fun though! Now I challenge YOU! If you decide to take me up on my challenge, leave me a comment so I can read yours!

Great session with Kara today! It was a beautiful day, one of those days you really don’t want to go to any appointment, let alone a therapy session. I’m always half tempted to skip out, but I remember she charges me anyway and she always makes me feel wonderful about myself. So I push myself to go. Summer sessions are going to be rough.

So lately I’ve been having issues feeling locked down, suffocated. I internalized these (wrongfully) that I was pulling away from Stefan. Thankfully that’s hardly the case. Let me through some background at you…

I was a sophomore in college in 2005. I started dating Jack, a friend from the previous year, that summer. Things had been going well. A bad deal with a roommate wound up with Jack and I living together around November, I believe. I dropped out of college in February and I also found myself pregnant that February and almost immediately lost the baby. I wonder if it would’ve gone unnoticed had I not tested, I wonder if it would’ve been better that way. In late March, Jack decided we needed to take a break, I’m still unsure of his reasoning for this. I was scared, confused and terribly alone. I was to move back in with my mom after his birthday in May. We were to take a break and resume things as normal when I went back to Chadron. That entire summer was a huge drama fest. Up and down, just this huge rollercoaster. I’m reminded of Lunatic Calm-Leave you Far behind, at this point in our relationship.

I met Stefan towards the middle of June. It wasn’t an immediate attraction. A lot of things were going wrong for me, I was miserable. He was apparently miserable as well. Our misery brought us together. From this point on we were nearly inseparable. This is when my “hiatus’” began. I refer to them as this because there are not good words for what I did. Three times, not once or twice, but THREE times, I picked up and took off to go back to Jack. Leaving Stefan behind in a cloud of smoke wondering what the hell he did wrong.

January was my last “hiatus” and that is when I finally realized there was absolutely nothing there for Jack and I. I came back to Stefan. I am so very fortunate, to this very day, that this man puts up with me. He wasn’t going to take me back. He had long heartfelt talks with my mother about institutionalizing me (whoa, yeah I was that bad). Thankfully he forgave me.

I think I was pregnant 2 weeks later…perhaps 3. I was terrified. I knew without a doubt that this baby was Stefan’s. I may have gone on “hiatus” but I had slept with nobody but Stefan in those awful months. I had no worries. Stefan, is probably another story. Luckily, she’s the spitting image of her father.

So as you’ve read it was all very quick. I did not allow myself time to rebound from my relationship with Jack. I did not allow myself time to screw my head on and figure out who I was without him. I jumped directly from one relationship to the next. Never a healthy thing to do. Especially after such drastic life altering changes.

I didn’t share even half of this with Kara. In fact, I told her very little. I guess I wasn’t ready to open Pandora’s Box. I told her very simple things. The last time I felt whole, happy and human was my first year in college. After that things went downhill. I met and started dating Jack. He was generally very critical of me, for example, I worked at a bar. He hated me bartending. They had very simple uniforms, a plain yellow t-shirt that I got to fit snug. This shirt did not show off anything. He lost his cool when I attempted to wear that shirt to this bar. He just straight up hating me working there. So I quit and got a much less paying job at a gas station. Which he also hated. I couldn’t do anything right.

This is when I believe I began to lose myself. Anyone in my shoes would! Constant criticism from all angles. I just wasn’t “proper” enough for him or his family. Fine, so be it. I should’ve recognized that as a sign early on and left, but I did not. That’s a part of my Adult Child.

But I digress.

Kara knew very little and was able to tell me that I’m finally healing from this relationship. That I’m finally able to come out and be myself again. That I feel suffocated because these things I want to do aren’t getting done. Rock climbing, hiking, camping, fishing, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing, etc. Stefan isn’t exactly interested in all these things. I immediately became worried that this was some sort of sign that we were incompatible. Which is silly. We can’t possibly be interested in everything all the time.

I’ve also lost a lot of friends. I wasn’t, for a long time, who I was in college. I became inhibited, judgmental, moody and clingy. Who would want to hang out with me?

I’m slowly coming back into myself. Which is wonderful and horribly scary all the same. I’m worried Stefan and I won’t compute anymore. That we’ll grow apart. He never got to know the real me. The “me” that I was for 18+ years. He just knows the miserable old hag that he got stuck with (sorry, baby!).

Among other things I’ve hit a HUGE milestone, I think, in my progress on the path to myself.

All this misplaced emotion and all these feelings that I miss Jack are entirely incorrect! (Whew!) I don’t miss Jack. I don’t miss “My Jack”. He is not the person I feel I lost in this entire ordeal. I AM THE PERSON I MISS. It’s ME! Okay, sounds simple right? TOTALLY WRONG. That is very huge and it changes things drastically for me. Drastically.

So dear readers, if you’re still reading… I FINALLY WROTE ANOTHER POEM. I think I’m no longer suppressed. In the words of my 18 month old daughter… “ROCK ON!!!”

I’m done wasting my life with this
I’m redirecting my futile efforts
It’s me the one I truly miss.

I was so scared to let you go
Because I didn’t really realize,
You’d be the last one with the pleasure to know.

Who I was, who I am struggling to find
It really has nothing to do with you
This is my last poem to you, do you mind?

I’m bursting now there’s just too much
Now that I’ve found me again
It’s just this amazing rush!

I want it all back—patience isn’t my thing
Little by little it needs to come
So I can be a healthy, functioning human being.

But “Thank you,” because without that ticking time bomb
I never would’ve grown into this amazing woman
I never could’ve been for my daughter, this incredible mom.

That’s a rough draft, mind you… But enjoy it anyhow!

***Don't forget my giveaway!!! Listen directly below this post!!!***

My first official contest… Prize listed at the bottom of the entry! Feel free to share the love!

Have I ever told you about my mother? Her name is Barb. She’s 29(ish). She’s blonde and tall. She shares the exact same birthday (3.9.19**) as our beloved Barbie doll. She also FANTASTICALLY artsy.

She’s got several stores on Etsy. She does anything from purses to dog collars and leashes or even plain old cut fabric squares.. She even specializes per the customer’s request. Send her the fabric you want and she’ll make whatever it is you ask.

In the short time I’ve been alive my mother has made me countless things. Purses, quilts, dog collars, clothes, wallets. You name it she’s made it for me. She even used to make me hair bows and ribbons when I was in the first grade. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when she put a new bow in my hair (that matched my outfit exactly). I was so proud of her and my precious new bow. I was so proud to tell my friends about this bow in my hair. About how I watched my mother craft it with her very own hands. About how it’s the only one like it in the world and it was all mine. So today I’m thanking her by shamelessly promoting her awesome and entirely flawless masterpieces.

Sewnimble—This is her store normally filled with cuts of fabric for you to do with as you choose. She’s also got a misplaced wristlet on here.. Hmm…

Cucio—This is her store filled with purses and wallets and wristlets and checkbook covers. You name it she makes it. All from her own original patterns. It’s been at least 5 years since I’ve bought a purse. I rely solely on my mother. I sometimes wonder how much this stresses her out. But then I see her latest project and forget entirely, pleading her to make me one before she starts selling them. Being the guinea pig is great…

On that note… This tote bag was supposed to be mine. I couldn’t con her out of it this time. Check it out. It’s one of my favorites. It the perfect size for a diaper bag or even a beach bag. It’s got the perfect amount of pockets not too few and not too many. I’m really a little disappointed that it’s on Etsy up for sale… And not over my shoulder right now…




SaintPaws—This is her store normally filled with dog/cat leashes and collars. The only collars my dogs have had since she started making them. Incredibly durable and entirely original! She makes them in several different sizes and will even make them from the fabric of your choice. All you have to do is find something you like and send the fabric to her! She’s very easy to work with-have I mentioned that?


This puppy collar is my favorite one. I just absolutely LOVE the fabric. Too bad I forgot my dog at my mom’s house one weekend… and never really got her back. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)




Anyhow… So here is what I’ve decided to do. Much like The SITS Gals do with their contests!

1) Take a gander at my Mom’s 3 stores..
2) Choose which item you like best and list it in my comments.
3) For an additional entry, leave my mom some feedback! (I.E. Make a purchase or leave her a note letting her know how much you love her stuff or what she could do to make you love it more! Just make sure you let her know I sent you!)
4) For another additional entry join my blog!

Winner will be announced next Saturday for this SWEET prize!!!

A $20.00 Gift Certificate to any one of my mother’s stores! For you to spend on any one item you would LOVE to have.

**MOM, I know you’ll read this. So I’m telling you now… This is me begging and pleading you to finish Rileigh’s XO quilt. LOVE YOU MUCH!!! And you totally deserve the shout out. You’re the best!**

I've been challenged over at Take Me the Way I Am to list 10 things I love that start with "B".

1. My Bug! How I love my darling Rileigh. She's the light of my life and we call her our "Bug".

2. Books! My escape. There is nothing better than getting lost in a fantastic book!

3. My Bag! I've got a bag I drag to work with me everynight that has 7 or 8 different things I can do in case I get bored at work.

4. Blue eyes! They're extremly common in my family. In fact, Stefan, Rileigh and I all have them.

5. My Boyfriend! Of course I love him! He's my hero! <3

7. Babycenter Community! I've met so many great girls (and bloggers!) in this community! I visit several times a day!

8. Blue Rasperry Vodka! I don't drink often but when I do Blue UV and Orange Juice is my all time favorite drink!

9. Blackberry Phones! I don't have one yet, but come November, I WILL!

10. Best Friends! I've got 3! I couldn't live without them.

Now it's you're turn! If you're interested in playing and your first or last name starts with R, K, S, M, C or D let me know what 10 things you love that start with the letter "O"! Leave me a comment and let me know if you're participating so I can read your list as well!

Thanks!

The Prompt: Somebody I'm praying for...

I'll begin blogging on my experiences of baptism and adult instruction for the Lutheran Church just as soon as they start. Which is about... 3 days from now and I'm nervous as I've ever been for anything.

I've launched my family back into the Church. We're a young family and Stefan was baptized and confirmed Lutheran and I was never baptized at all. But I was always very active in my church in high school. I was just always afraid to take that leap into baptism. It's hard to fully explain why. My mother wasn't a church-goer and nobody else in my family was interested. For the most part I was alone and going through a baptism alone would frighten anyone. But that isn't the entire explanation for my fear.

I fully believe it's a sign from God that this was The Prompt this week and I've been asking for a sign for a few days now.

My life is going through some pretty windy storms right now. I've recently discovered for myself that friends and family sometimes aren't enough. I've gotten into therapy and renewed my faith in Jesus Christ. So as selfish as this may sound... I'm praying for myself, because I'm terrified.

I've had this unexplainable feeling the last two days or so. This dire need to drop to my knees and pray. I've NEVER felt anything like this in my life. The feeling that I just need to bow my head and fold my hands and pray. Pray for a sign, pray for an answer, pray for a clearer picture of what God is trying to show me or for what he's trying to tell me. It's an entirely alienable feeling to me, so much so that I almost feel strange actually praying.

I can not honestly say I've always been a believer. I went through a few years where God was not in my life. I was a lost soul and severely needed guidance. So while I'm praying for myself, I'm going to pray for others like me. Those who are afraid to take the leap into religion, a leap into faith. Those who have gotten lost or misguided on their path to Our Lord. I'm going to pray that one day, it strikes them about as hard as it struck me--to just drop down on their knees, bow their heads, fold their hands and pray.

So Lord,

I know you know in my heart of hearts and this soul of mine how lost I've been without you. I know you've seen my struggles and I've felt you help me through the worst of them. I'm scared I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel with my latest struggles I'm not getting the help I once recieved. I've taken this as a sign, directly from you, to come back into your arms. I'm taking this as a sign that you'll guide me on the path you've chosen for me. I'm begging you to remain by my side as I take this huge leap into your arms that I should've taken years ago. I pray that through your word and with your help I will find happiness in my life. I pray that with your help I will one day feel complete. Lord, please take my hand and guide me through the processes of the Lutheran Church so that I am better able to serve you. Please help me succeed in my therapy and guide me and my family through this weak point in my relationship with Stefan. Please help us become a stronger unit and a better model for our daughter.

Amen.


I didn't tell you this previously because I thought it'd ruin the affect :-P... That is the first true prayer ever to go from these lips to Our Lord.

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I'm also an Adult Child of an Adult Child.

I started seeing a counselor a few months ago. I dispelled the notion of being an Adult Child in college. I spoke with a counselor a few times and he also described me as an AC. I read a book about it and really got into it. I was excited to finally have a means to an end for the ways I was feeling until I shared the good news with my mother. She told me all that counselor was trying to do was to blame my parents for all the wrong in my life and that I needed to start accepting the blame for my actions. So, I did and I turned off the light at the end of my tunnel.

Until a few months ago. My counselor is fantastic. I've never been happier. I'm reading a book all about ACOA and honestly, I think I'm doing really well with all of it.

One of the "Laundry List" items of ACOA is that we don't know what normal is. We watch what other people do and get our "normal" from that. Essentially comparing our lives with everyone else's. Because we did not have a normal functional family, we could never have possibly learned what is common and what is not.

I've never really felt like I've done that. Until this weeks session. We were talking about bumping into people we don't like. I know a few people that Stefan doesn't care for. I suddenly became very worried that these particular people share common interests with me. For instance, our kids enjoy the same playground. So I started looking for alternate playgrounds to play at (which was a total bust, by the way). I shared this with my counselor who told me I was being irrational. That I couldn't possibly avoid every single place I might bump into these people.

I was so worried that we'd bump into these people at the park or the gym or the grocery store and it'd be one big awkward (or possibly horrible) moment that I tried to avoid that entirely. Because, irrationally, I was thinking that Stefan would think I was setting him up or that I knew these people would be there and that is why I wanted to go there in the first place.

It was a very humbling session. So, I guess this is me, an Adult Child of Alcoholic, on my quest of normality.

Lisa, at “Just Lisa, No Filler” wrote about housecleaning today… Which reminded me of a morning I had a few weeks ago that I felt I needed to share.

Working the graveyards and wanting to be able to spend time with my family, has left me very little choice other than to sleep all day. Normally when I come home, the house is a mess and all I want to do is clean while nobody is there and I can’t. It’s frustrating!

This particular morning, I’d had a rather stressful night at work. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed, shut my eyes and dream about fluffy clouds and rainbows and pink ponies. Stefan and I had spent a fair amount of time cleaning that week and the house was looking pretty darn good, if I do say. But I was entirely unprepared for the shock I would feel upon entering my home.

It smelled fantastic. It was dark, there were candles lit. It was clean. The floor was clean, Rileigh’s clothes were put away, the TV was off, the computer was off. The dishes were put away. NOTHING needed to be done. I turned on my computer, opened up ITunes and played some Aretha… I shut off every light I could find and I crashed on the floor in our “office”. It was the most amazing feeling.

Our house is so much hustle and bustle all the time. The TVs in both rooms are always going. The lights are rarely off. SOMEONE is always making nose. The computer is always on. There is just never any real down time.

So this was a treat of the most magnificent kind. Unintentional. I had the house to myself. I had it the way I wanted it. It smelled delicious. I could unwind and really be myself. I hadn’t felt that good since I lived on my own in college.

Almost makes me miss having a place of my own. Almost. I wouldn’t give Stefan and Rileigh up for the world. Having a morning like that once or twice a month would do just fine!

I'm playing around with HTML. I'm in the learning process, so bear with me as there will be several changes coming in the future! I hope you enjoy and comments/critiques are always appreciated!

Thank you much!

Kas

When I woke up I asked myself... "Self: What would be fun to do today?" It was immediately obvious that getting mauled and stalked by hundreds of geese and ducks who are only interested in you for your buns would be the PERFECT DAY.

So, Rileigh and I had the great pleasure of going to the Duck Park late yesterday afternoon. It’s a wonderful little park, in a quiet part of Grand Island, which has a pond overflowing with geese and ducks! I stopped by the bakery to grab some day old rolls and picked Rileigh up from daycare and went straight to the park.

I was worried she’d be terrified of the ducks. Her Grandma has a few geese on her farm and she isn’t terribly fond of them. And by "isn't terribly fond of them" I mean SCREAMS OF TERROR AND STREAMS OF TEARS until the beasts go away! But that was 6weeks ago. Alot happens in 6 weeks! Luckily for me, she LOVED it. She understood that they’d get close when she threw them the bits of bread and followed them around squealing! It was adorable. She wound up eating the bread herself after about 20 minutes throughly enjoying the look on the ducks' faces as she took another delectable morsel and put it in her mouth. I'd certainly say she's a product of me.

It WAS cute the way she ate the bread. I’ve never known her to really eat bread. She’s never interested in toast or peanut butter and jelly. She always throws the bread on the ground, no doubt testing the theory that bread always lands butter side down--my little scientist girl. It was a treat for me and I let her munch away.

She was fussy as anything once we got home. NOTHING satisfied her. I was going out of my mind trying to calm her down! She was a total spitfire—very demanding and very pushy!

Stefan was under the weather because he had dental work done that morning but he helped where he could. He made a wonderful dinner of Chicken and Rice… But really wasn’t in the mood to help with Rileigh and I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to deal with her either!

And the icing on the cake would be my daycare provider calling me at 230 am (an hour ago) to tell me her husband is in the ER for an emergency appendectomy! So the roles got reversed. I’m watching her daughter tomorrow. It’s going to be a loooooong day. Her little Lauren is a doll though; Rileigh will enjoy having someone to play with.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

I used to write like CRAZY. About 3 years ago I stopped. For no real reason. I'm forcing myself to start up again. My therapist thinks it has to do with how hard I am on myself. How harshly I judge myself and a violation of privacy that has happened in the past.

Working through all of that, I've come up with a little poem for Rileigh.

You can't compare anything with those big blue eyes,
For nothing else is as magnificent, not even the skies.

You can't get lost in them like the deep blue sea,
for they devour you entirely-like a supernova you never see.

One look from them and you're forever anew,
Hooked for eternity on that shade of blue!

I suppose it’s time to update about my health. I’m not really sure what to say… I’m not dying… Or at least my doctor doesn’t think so! Which is good news.

The ultrasound of my abdomen was clear. They’re worried I can feel my organs (I can feel more than just that one now) but all they’re doing is putting me on a high protein/caloric diet and hope I gain weight. If not I’m supposed to go back in 3 weeks. I’m currently on week 2 of my 170 grams of protein diet. Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat 170 grams of protein.

I’m literally STUFFED all day long. I’m trying to eat healthy… So I’ll eat like chicken breast, cashews, almonds, yogurt, whole milk, string cheese, oranges, apples. I’m also drinking Ensure Plus and protein enhanced water. It’s STILL HARD to get 170 grams of protein in a day! I literally have to make sure everything I eat has 3g of protein or more per serving. Otherwise I won’t make it.

I didn’t weigh myself at the end of last week, but I will on Friday (I need to buy a scale) and see how much I’ve gained. I was 130 at my appointment. OH WAIT! At the hotel this weekend I weight myself on their scale and it said 129. (The scales like at the Dr.’s office.) 129! That is SUCH CRAP.

I refuse to start working out until I’m at least 140-145… It’ll be my reward for finally gaining a decent amount of weight. I’ve never had issues with my weight. I’ve always been able to gain/lose when I’ve wanted.

Everyone keeps telling me to get a third opinion. Truthfully I’m sick and tired of doctors. I’m going to try this first and then go if I need to.

I really like my Gyno and trust his opinion so I’m going to talk to him during my bi-yearly… I’ve always got issues in that department so more than likely I’ll get an appointment or two from my checkup. (That would be thanks to a high-risk HPV strain.) UGH.

The Prompt:
I used to think...



I used to think that people who looked down on me for being an unwed mother were right. They were right to think I was a whore because I wasn’t married and was obviously pregnant. Now, I could care less. Now I think that their own insecurities make them point their noses up at unwed mothers.

I used to think that The Bible was just another Novel. That Jesus may have been a person and he may have been God’s son, but God did not create the Earth in 7 days.

I used to think my friend Nathan was a stand up guy until we got into a religion conversation and he told me E-Free and Berean churches shouldn’t be Christian because they’re “slacker” type churches. They’re aren’t true churches and they aren’t true Religion. They’re too modern and they’re ideals and values don’t adhere to those in The Bible. Now I think he’s just like the dozens of other close-minded, on-their-soap-box type Catholics I’ve met.

I used to think ALL Catholics were like that. But I’ve meet so many good Catholics out there!

I used to think I’d go to college, get married and then have children. But I guess that’s what everyone thinks.

I used to think I was better than the people who drank and did drugs in High School. I used to think I was keeping up with the smart kids by taking the same classes and joining the same sports. Now I realize I was a stuck-up wannabe jerk that only a few people truly understood.

I used to think that brand names were important, that the price tag and the store you bought from were important. Now I know comfort, fit and cut are what truly matter!

I used to think I had too many responsibilities (in high school) . I laugh at that person now!


I guess growing up has taught and shown me a lot of things. Of course I can’t consider myself entirely grown up. I’ve got a ways to go. But compared to other couples/people my age, I’m doing really well. I may not have finished college and I may not be married. But I’m happy. I’ve got good friends and great family! I’m really learning where happiness comes from! I think the true test of my maturity will come on my wedding day and whether or not I decide to smear cake all over Stefan’s face or not… Even though we both agreed we wouldn’t do it!

Sooo.. Sorry everyone I've not been updating as I should. My work blocked blogger.com with their new web safety gear. I'm not fond of that as I can't READ the blogs I follow as often... Since all my free time is at work (oh the irony...) I'll be catching up soon though! I promise!

I haven't been able to update because a) I got acrylic nails put on and typing is hard. and b) I've got some medical stuff that's plaguing me.

I found a lump in my abdomen which according to my internist is better described as a mass. It's in the upper left quadrant if you're interested. I've visited the doctors recently for a sudden weightloss (20 lbs) unexplained and unprovoked. My body is catching infections easier and not healing as quickly and I don't sleep as well. Among other things. Well this mass has since started to HURT.

I've got an ultrasound at 9 am. I'll fill you in more then and update you. I'm currently starving myself and not using the restroom (at the request of the radiologist) so this will be short... So that I can SLEEP these things away.. As I am both hungry and have to pee.

I just got off work (something that couldn't be avoided) so that is why I'm up :)

Catch you tomorrow! Wish me luck!