The prompt:

1.) Who really helped you get over something? Write about that person.

I really want to say Stefan here, because he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. He was the only person who was willing to put up with my crap after a really shitty break-up. He was the only one who cared about my feelings after my miscarriage. He was the only one who would drink with me all night until I just didn’t think about anything else but being drunk anymore. He was there for me in the ways that I needed him.

I really want to say Kara, my counselor, for helping me work through feelings and really understand where they’re coming from. I’m still a work in progress but my progression is significant.

I really want to say Rileigh, my daughter, for helping me get over myself. She knocked me down to reality and really showed me what it was like to love someone with everything that you are, with everything that you have, and with everything that you’ll ever be. She helped me realize what really matters in life and reminds me when I forget which is almost daily.

I really want to say all of these people helped me get over some really tough things and they absolutely HAVE. They all have left their mark on my life in ways I never knew existed. But the one that is really standing out to me is Simba.

I haven’t told you about Simba yet, I’ve been saving him. He’s my stuffed lion. I’ve had him since I was 8 years old. He was the last real present I remember my Grandmother purchasing me. Simba was my absolute and total everything. He went everywhere with me for as long as I can remember. I remember taking him to school until I was asked to stop. Maybe I was made fun of, I can’t remember for sure.

I remember feeling (and still sometimes do feel) that Simba has a soul. That he has feelings, thoughts and a mind of his own. I remember feeling a terrible sense of guilt when I left Simba at home or when I would wake up in the morning to find out he’d fallen out of bed.

I told Simba my every thought. He always knew what was going through my head. I cried many tears on Simba. He was very much the only support I had growing up. I didn’t have the worst childhood one could imagine, but I did struggle a lot. Simba was the only ‘person’ I could turn to. He was the only one who would listen to me and the only one who would hug back. Simba was there for me when nobody else was.

My mom was a single mom who never had less than two jobs. She was hardly ever around. She struggled to support us and was often times irritable and tired. I can’t blame her for that. I don’t remember my mom being a big part of my life until she married Steve when I was 14. I don’t remember feeling like I could run to my mother and tell her I was having a bad day with some kids at school. So, I told Simba.

My sister was dealing with issues of her own. I can’t tell you exactly what those are. I’m not quite sure myself. I can tell you that she got in with a ‘bad crowd’ and started experimenting with drugs. I can tell you she had a violent temper that she often took out on me because there was nobody else to take it out on. I can tell you I received numerous bruises from my sister while my mom seemed to look the other way. I don’t even know if I ever told my mom. I’m sure I didn’t. I was terrified of my sister.

I did not feel safe in my own home for a very long time. I would lock myself in my room and keep myself and Simba occupied as long as I could while my sister and her friends were in the living room watching TV and doing God knows what else. I remember being called names by my sister and sometimes her friends when I did leave my room and make my presence known. I shared a room with my mom for a few years because we had a 2 bedroom house and my sister hated me so much that she refused to share a room with me. There was a point when my mom became my only friend outside of Simba but was short lived.

My mom was so stressed out, I could never imagine. My sister was putting her through hell and she had two other children to think about. My brother was being raised by the State of Nebraska—which was no cakewalk for him or my family. It’s a bullshit story that I can’t wrap my head around. My parents and brother got totally screwed by the state. My brother was not a major part of my life growing up.

I couldn’t share my stories with my friends. I couldn’t vent to them about my frustrations because if my mom or sister ever found out I’d be grounded or have a few more bruises to add to my collection. So there was Simba. He’s all I ever had.

Simba was the only thing that kept me going. He was the only thing that made me comfortable enough not to pick up and leave everything behind. He was partially responsible for keeping me on the straight and narrow. (The move to Paxton and my friends played a larger role in that.)
I knew, as an 8 year old, that I needed someone to pick me up when I was down. I knew that I needed someone to listen to me. I knew that I needed someone to go to the park with and watch movies with. I knew that I needed someone to cuddle me to sleep at night. I was a resilient child. Instead of giving up and turning to drugs or violence, I turned to a stuffed lion. I made the decision to get my comfort from small toy instead of entering into the world of drugs even though it was in my face every single day. I made this decision to fight it out with everything I had even though turning to drugs would’ve been an easier way to forget.

Simba helped me get through my childhood. Simba helped me look past the things that were wrong and he helped rise above them to be the person I am today.

My sister and I have talked at length about our childhood. We have both forgiven each other for what has happened in the past. I understand now that my mom did everything she could for us as a single working mom. I could never imagine being in her shoes and having the struggles she had. As I’ve grown I have realized more and more about her daily struggles.

Things are well now, with my family, but I believe Simba is majorly, if not entirely, responsible for getting me through those rough years. Without him, I never could’ve forgiven my sister or clearly seen the obstacles my mother was put through.

God has had a huge impact on my life in the weeks following my return to church. It was a huge step for me, as I’ve entirely lost my way. I had started believing modern views on things and had classified myself as agnostic. The years following my absence from church weren’t exactly the happiest years of my life. I started making bad choices and quickly spiraled out of control. I was trying to control areas of my life that were uncontrollable. I was given choices by God and continually making the wrong choice. It caught up with me in the end.

I can’t honestly say that I’d take those years back, because I believe I needed those years to get me to where I’m at. I’m not commonly someone who wants to go back and change the way her life went. I understand that everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today. I’m quite fond of that person, most days.

More recently, however, I’ve noticed God ‘speaking’ to me more and more. Maybe it’s because I’m paying attention now. Maybe it’s because I’m seeking His guidance. Whatever it is, I’m taking the time to thank Him for it now. For everything I’ve seen He’s done for me and for the blessings he’s sent me and the answers I’ve been given.

Prayer wasn’t always something I was comfortable with. However, lately, I’ve prayed for everything. I’ve prayed for patience in situations and it was granted. I’ve prayed for signs on the path in which he wanted me to take and they were given to me. I’ve prayed for sanity and… Well I guess the jury is still out on that one!

I think it all dawned on me the other night at work. I was having a particularly rough time. I had learned of some things that didn’t exactly sit well with me. I was busy stewing about this news when something just clicked. I was suddenly very adamant about finding another job. I was sure this was just anger hitting me. I absolutely love my job and I’m good at it. But I entertained the notion of leaving and started looking for other jobs.

The next morning I texted a new friend of mine, Melissa, who I’d met through exceptionally uncanny circumstances. (God works in mysterious ways, no?) I asked her if she’d be willing to help me out with writing my resume and cover letter for a few jobs I’m interested in. She was more than happy to oblige. She loves this kind of thing. Which is great! Because I loathe this kind of thing. We set up a day to get working on it and after the conversation with her I, again, had this overwhelming feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I stopped “entertaining” the idea of leaving my job and set out to just do it.

Melissa and I met online. On Baby Center. I’m from Nebraska and there isn’t a lot of women on Baby Center from Nebraska, let alone the town I’m from. So, when I learned Melissa lived close to me, I became pretty excited. We e-mailed back and forth quite a bit at first and after a few exchanges she added me to her Facebook account. I noticed she had a friend on her page that I had known and lost contact with 2 years ago, so without a second thought I added that person. The very next day I receive an e-mail from Melissa (who’s pretty freaked out, by the way) because I’d added her mother to my Facebook page. She tried to remain calm in her e-mail—but her eebie jeebies were entirely evident. I explained how I knew her mom (which she double checked, of course) and the friendship snowballed from there.

I’m not sure either of us were really all that excitable about meeting an online friend. It probably would’ve been 6 months to a year before we took that step. But since I’d known her mom so well (and I wasn’t a creepy internet weirdo) she trusted me enough to go out for drinks.

At the time when we met up for drinks I was at a seriously low point in my life. My best friend of 20 years was getting married in Omaha and was terribly busy with her wedding. I really didn’t have the money to visit her as often as I needed a friend and neither did she. My best friend from college was busy with graduate school in Colorado and that’s an even longer drive. I had no real friends near me. I was desperately seeking that one friend. It’s hard to describe any other way. That one friend who you can tell anything to. The one who you can call with only a 10 minutes’ notice and go for a drink or a pedicure or to the mall. The one who’s on the same page in life as you are.

Then God sent me Melissa who’s blessed with rockin’ resume writing skills among other awesome things, like Margarita blending, and lasagna baking. So, she’s totally multi-purposed.

I believe God led me straight to Peach Lutheran Church as well. I’m still trying to understand his motives for this, however, because as I understand it our Pastor won’t marry us since we live together. The Lutheran (Missouri Synod) religion, as I understand it, also doesn’t recognize gay men and women. I’ve got two family members who are openly gay and I have yet to speak to our Pastor about this. I don’t know how it will change the views I have of the church right now. I guess it depends on what he has to say. He does seem to be a rather passionate man so whatever he says will be no different. He’ll be very passionate about it and he’ll let us know that.

I’ve started getting pretty involved in the church and I really do feel at home there. I’m in adult instruction classes now and I’ve volunteered to help with the youth group activities. I’ve met a few great people in the congregation which I’m excited about. However, I still haven’t seen what He’s trying to show me by guiding me to this church or this branch of Christianity. I guess only time will tell.

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. I should be back up and posting like normal for the next few weeks!

We buy all our home fragrances at Bath and Body Works now. I absolutely love their huge selection and we can switch it up whenever we want. Plus their plug-ins seem to last for 6 months…

I purchased “Lilac Blossoms” room spray last week. I absolutely adore the smell of fresh lilacs. It brings me back to my teenage years and the carefree wonders of adolescence. Every time I use this spray (among our zillions of others because they last forever) I am reminded of being back in Paxton, Nebraska. The first time I sprayed it in our living room I was unprepared for the flooding of memories I would have of my hometown.

Paxton can best be described as a quiet town just off of Interstate 80 in Nebraska. It’s a quaint little town of 700. It’s particularly famous for Ole’s Big Game Bar and Grill. The school system is competitive and successful in its academics as well as sports. The school is consolidated with Keystone and Roscoe, NE. I graduated in a class of 22—particularly large for Paxton.

The people are all very friendly. You knew everyone you saw. You knew where everyone worked. You couldn’t go somewhere without someone knowing you. It was a very typical small town. It certainly wasn’t surprising to see your school teachers in the bar on Saturday enjoying a few drinks.

I can’t say my high school journey was marvelous and continuously happy. I don’t think everyone had a perfect high school journey. But I was comfortable, I had the greatest friends and I had fun.

We lived in cozy white house on Highway 30. My dad, Steve, renovated the basement to include 3 extra bedrooms so that his children wouldn’t be forced to share their rooms. Our home had a humongous yard that wasn’t particularly fun to mow in the summer. Along the west side of the house was a cluster of lilac bushes 5 feet thick and 100 feet wide. There was another large cluster on the east side in the dead center of the yard. When they blossomed in the spring you could smell them from 3 blocks away! They were absolutely gorgeous in full bloom and the fragrance knocked you off your feet.

I’ll never forget waking up in May in Paxton… The school year was almost done, the sun was shining, Dad was always whistling in the morning and that unmistakable aroma of lilacs just filled the entire house.

I’m sad to say I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should’ve. But that small can of spray brings all my favorite memories of Paxton flooding back.

The time my friend Amy tripped in front of Ole’s and threw her arms out a la Superman. I can’t remember I time I laughed so hard.

Mark Hehnke’s sandwiches for lunch. Man, I miss those. They were stacked a mile high with the thinnest sliced meet, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese mayonnaise… Not sure what made them so damn good, but nobody could make a sandwich like Hehnke’s.

Early mornings on the bus to a Track and Field meet. The smell of the crisp morning air. My crappy 90’s “warm up” music.

Being an official “Prowler” for Paxton High School. That was the dance team. A girl in my sophomore class and a senior pioneered the dance team. It was a huge success for about 7 years and died off like most things do (other than volleyball, basketball and track).

Being the 2nd member of Paxton’s speech team and watching the team grow to more than 15 before I graduated.

My mentor and English Teacher Margaret Wilkie.

The Green at the Berean Church in Ogallala. It was the high school fellowship.

I could go on and on forever about the memories I relive when I smell a cluster of lilacs… But I think you get the drift.

What smells do this for you?

The Prompt is...

1.) If I sent you four hundred dollars today what is ONE thing you would spend it on and why? ps I want my change.

I would pay off my credit card with it... It's only $200 right now... But that's what'd I'd do... Cause that $400 would help more than you'd know... Then I'd spend the rest of it on the Ipod Stefan wants cause his birthday is on the 16th and I can't get him anything until at least May 1st.

Sorry Kat... You get no change!!!

Mental Monday!


I confess, I totally ditched therapy this week. Rileigh was sick and this was a couples’ session and we couldn’t go leaving her with a sitter while she feels so crappy! We rescheduled for Thursday. So you’ll have a Mental Thursday although by then I hope to have come up with a better alliteration. (Thank you, Mrs. Wilkie, I can’t believe I remember that word.)

But since I didn’t get around to posting last Monday about my “mental health issues” I’ll tell you all about it today. Aren’t you excited?

I started off talking about our cousins’ divorce. We’re both pretty shaken by it although, I think, anyone could’ve seen it coming. We’re both very heart broken. We’ve taken the time to sit down and truly analyze our relationship and work some adjustments. We’ve had very healthy and much needed conversations about our “fate”. We’re both in the same book and at the very least in the same chapter now. We’re worried because our relationship started so similarly to theirs. We’re very much a reflection of them. Her reasoning for the divorce sounded much like how we’ve become and we’re both threatened by that I think.

I was able to dispel some of Stefan’s initial fears and comparisons and am now working on the feelings I’m having. So much of our conversation flowed around the divorce.

We wound up working into some of my feelings about our sex life, which I would really love to share with everyone, in case someone is in the same position, but I feel that it’s disrespectful not only to Stefan but to Rileigh. It’s a key issue in some of the things I’ve been feeling and some of the problems I’ve been having both in and out of our relationship.

It all seems to fall back on trust. We both have lost a serious amount of trust for each other, in different ways.

I have made mistakes and been unfaithful. I’ve opened up to him about this. It’s no big secret and I’m not trying to hide anything from him. A lot of my life is detailed in my journals. I stopped journaling shortly after we got together. I started back up again after being unfaithful. I truly needed an outlet.

Stefan saw a notebook that he did not recognize, he knew I liked to journal and he knew I really opened up about everything in my journals. He took this as an invite to read an entry. This is precisely when he found out about my episode. So not only was trust lost of mine but also of his.

I had this feeling for a few weeks that it was not fair of me to feel resentment towards him for reading my journals because of what was in them. Which is entirely irrational. He knows I’m very sensitive about all of my writing. Not just my journals but my poetry and my short stories. They’re sacred to me. They’re my own private thoughts and I should be the one choosing to let you in!

Writing is my thought process. It’s how I piece together my life and come to terms with what’s happening in my life. It’s like me opening up his brain and picking through it with a fine toothed comb. Digesting and violated every single thought he ever had.

Yes, what I did was wrong. Yes, I crossed a very defined boundary. But he did too and I have every right to angry and I have every right to not trust him when it comes to my writings.

I’m back to not writing what I truly feel and what I truly want because I’m scared of him finding it and of his reaction. Is that truly healthy in a relationship? There is such a serious lack of trust between the two of us. Can we overcome that? Can he? Can I? If one of us cannot overcome our trust issue with the other, then what? What of us then? Are we doomed? Is that the end of our relationship?

I thoroughly believe that you cannot be in a relationship where there is no trust. I’ve stated this several times and I’ve made Stefan aware of this. I can’t be in a relationship where I can’t be comfortable being me. Where I can’t think or do or say exactly what I feel. Likewise with Stefan, why should he have to stay in a relationship where he will always wonder if what I told him is a lie? If I’m really out playing cards with Mel or if I’m really having lunch with Callie?

We stay with each other because we are selfish. We don’t want to see the other one go. We can’t even be sure we’re 100% happy. We’ve had the discussion. We both just didn’t know.

I brought all of this up at therapy and with finding myself and my place in society as well as healing a very broken relationship… My head is so muddied. It’s going to be a long winding journey.

Twelve inches of snow?! Yeah, Right.





I'd call it more like 2 inches.





Y'know, meteorologists irritate the crap out of me. They are rarely--if ever--right about how much snow we'll get. Especially when they start getting into the double digits.





I very rarely pay attention to them at all when it comes to severe weather. If they tell me it's going to be 79*F out I'll believe them. If they tell me I can expect thunderstorms this evening, I'll believe them.





But when they tell me we're getting 12 inches of snow in any amount of time under 48 hours, I want to beat them over the head with the frying pan I use on Stefan.





Because it sends the entire state into SHOCK MODE. As in, "OH MY GOD, TWELVE INCHES?! WE'RE GOING TO BE BARRICADED INTO OUR HOMES!!!!"

Did I mention we were advised to not leave our homes after 4pm and continue the state of "no travel" until this evening. *Hysterical laughter* The snow didn't even start until after midnight. The rain didn't even start until after 6pm.





THIS is the current state of our snowfall.

NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO COVER OUR PARKING LOT.

I'm too lazy to go out and get a better picture for you. I'm also in my robe and I also need to attempt getting ready for church.

I just thought I'd let you all know that meteorologists never know what's going to happen in Nebraska.

I'd rather them tell me 12 inches and only get 2... Then tell me we're getting 2 and get 12 though... I guess there is always a silver lining.

For those of you who care to know. Zebra Cakes are absolutely scrumptious creations made by Little Debbie snacks. They are yellow cake and cream topped with frosting... You need to freaking try one, seriously! And just for that... Zebra Cakes will OFFICIALLY be part of next week's giveaway!

I'm going to Iowa and Missouri (as previously mentioned) on Tuesday. I'll be visiting my grandparents as well as attending my little sister's graduation from the Nebraska National Guard. I'm so very proud of her!

Quite frankly, I'm terrified to be traveling such a long distance (roughly 6 hours to Iowa) with an 18 month old. Especially my 18 month old. Can't you just wait for the blog about my trip? I know, I can sense your excitement to devour my pathetic complaints!!!

My mom and I are resolved to start and finish crocheting a granny square afghan on our trip. We purchased the yarn last night and I love the colors! I'll have to post a picture of that too! Assuming we finish :)!

We're set to get 12 inches of snow tomorrow. I freaking hate that it's APRIL and it's supposed to snow 12 inches. But there is always good news! Commonly, in Nebraska, there is a big bad storm in April and then the weather starts warming and we don't have to worry about that winter crap ever again. Well, at least not for a few months...

I work dispatch for law enforcement and when the weather is set to be horrible like this... All hell breaks loose in our office. People so much as see a snowflake in Nebraska and suddenly they're sliding into other people and running into telephone poles! It's intense, to say the least.

I can't imagine what'll happen when 12 inches drop on them in less than 24 hours. I shudder to think.

I've been looking into short stories and creative writing for a few days... I'm considering attempting a few short stories. I'm my own worst critique though and I usually wind up immediately hating whatever I write down. But just for my faithful readers... I'll make a large attempt. My goal is by next Sunday to have a rough draft of something I like.

I've also been looking into purchasing a new Bible--as I don't own one. I figure it'll be necessary and all since I want to start adult instruction at my church! I spotted one it's a Devotional Bible (which I love) geared directly towards being a better mother. I want it soooo badly. I've asked for it for Mothers' Day. I doubt if I wait that long to go buy it though! Maybe for Easter?!

Anyhow I hope everyone enjoys their week to come! I'm going to go work on some other eventual blogs, see if I can't get a few written and perhaps Stefan can post them for me throughout the week!

The winner of the $20 Gift Certificate to any one of my Mom's Etsy Stores is........

Blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell!!!

Congratulations! I'll let my Mom know you won in the morning and you'll be able to pick and choose from her wonderful selection or request a custom made item!

Quite honestly, this giveaway went much better than I'd ever imagined it would go! So thank you everyone who participated and I'll be dreaming up a sweet new giveaway next Saturday!!!

I'm visiting Iowa and Missouri over the next week so I'll grab as many neat "doo-dahs" as I can and include them in the next giveaway!

It also means I won't be posting much next week--if at all!

Again, THANK YOU EVERYONE for the support!