Mental Monday-I Long Winding Journey.

Mental Monday!


I confess, I totally ditched therapy this week. Rileigh was sick and this was a couples’ session and we couldn’t go leaving her with a sitter while she feels so crappy! We rescheduled for Thursday. So you’ll have a Mental Thursday although by then I hope to have come up with a better alliteration. (Thank you, Mrs. Wilkie, I can’t believe I remember that word.)

But since I didn’t get around to posting last Monday about my “mental health issues” I’ll tell you all about it today. Aren’t you excited?

I started off talking about our cousins’ divorce. We’re both pretty shaken by it although, I think, anyone could’ve seen it coming. We’re both very heart broken. We’ve taken the time to sit down and truly analyze our relationship and work some adjustments. We’ve had very healthy and much needed conversations about our “fate”. We’re both in the same book and at the very least in the same chapter now. We’re worried because our relationship started so similarly to theirs. We’re very much a reflection of them. Her reasoning for the divorce sounded much like how we’ve become and we’re both threatened by that I think.

I was able to dispel some of Stefan’s initial fears and comparisons and am now working on the feelings I’m having. So much of our conversation flowed around the divorce.

We wound up working into some of my feelings about our sex life, which I would really love to share with everyone, in case someone is in the same position, but I feel that it’s disrespectful not only to Stefan but to Rileigh. It’s a key issue in some of the things I’ve been feeling and some of the problems I’ve been having both in and out of our relationship.

It all seems to fall back on trust. We both have lost a serious amount of trust for each other, in different ways.

I have made mistakes and been unfaithful. I’ve opened up to him about this. It’s no big secret and I’m not trying to hide anything from him. A lot of my life is detailed in my journals. I stopped journaling shortly after we got together. I started back up again after being unfaithful. I truly needed an outlet.

Stefan saw a notebook that he did not recognize, he knew I liked to journal and he knew I really opened up about everything in my journals. He took this as an invite to read an entry. This is precisely when he found out about my episode. So not only was trust lost of mine but also of his.

I had this feeling for a few weeks that it was not fair of me to feel resentment towards him for reading my journals because of what was in them. Which is entirely irrational. He knows I’m very sensitive about all of my writing. Not just my journals but my poetry and my short stories. They’re sacred to me. They’re my own private thoughts and I should be the one choosing to let you in!

Writing is my thought process. It’s how I piece together my life and come to terms with what’s happening in my life. It’s like me opening up his brain and picking through it with a fine toothed comb. Digesting and violated every single thought he ever had.

Yes, what I did was wrong. Yes, I crossed a very defined boundary. But he did too and I have every right to angry and I have every right to not trust him when it comes to my writings.

I’m back to not writing what I truly feel and what I truly want because I’m scared of him finding it and of his reaction. Is that truly healthy in a relationship? There is such a serious lack of trust between the two of us. Can we overcome that? Can he? Can I? If one of us cannot overcome our trust issue with the other, then what? What of us then? Are we doomed? Is that the end of our relationship?

I thoroughly believe that you cannot be in a relationship where there is no trust. I’ve stated this several times and I’ve made Stefan aware of this. I can’t be in a relationship where I can’t be comfortable being me. Where I can’t think or do or say exactly what I feel. Likewise with Stefan, why should he have to stay in a relationship where he will always wonder if what I told him is a lie? If I’m really out playing cards with Mel or if I’m really having lunch with Callie?

We stay with each other because we are selfish. We don’t want to see the other one go. We can’t even be sure we’re 100% happy. We’ve had the discussion. We both just didn’t know.

I brought all of this up at therapy and with finding myself and my place in society as well as healing a very broken relationship… My head is so muddied. It’s going to be a long winding journey.