I've been going to therapy for about a month now (ya'll knew that right?!) and I absolutely love my LMHP. She's fantastic. Well she recommended I read a bakk about Adult Children of Alcoholics. I picked up on aptly titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz.
It's a relief knowing what it is that causes my dysfuntional behavior, which I haven't gone into much depth about here. But it's also sad because not only is it going to be a long hard learning process I'm learning to regret not studying this more in college when it was first brought to my attention by a counselor at my college. I just think that I would be so much better off if I had just taken it more seriously. I wouldn't be in the position I am in now, with frazzled relationships with my coworkers and family and some friends. It's exhausting and overwhelming to really think about it.
But all that aside it is a good thing! At least I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel!
Maybe soon I'll get into more depth about the issue--help people like me understand that there is proper help out there! But not today!
Anyway, since therapy, Stefan and I's relationship has been wonderful. We have our ups and downs due to the dysfunction that is instilled in my thought process. We're slowly learning together. He's starting counseling with me next Monday! I'm excited!
Now for my greater news! We've decided if things go well with that as well as my egg donation process--that we will begin working on a new baby! Hopefully around August/September 2009! Rileigh will be turning 2 at that point and 3 years is an appropriate age gap. Not to mention Rileigh is just dying to have more little people to play with at home!
It's a huge leap for me because I sincerely doubt we will be married by that time. Which saddens me but at the same time, I want what's best for Rileigh and she desperately wants a little brother or sister to have around. Wouldn't it be great to have a little baby boy to give me away at our wedding? Awww!!
So that's where we are now! Finally in an agreeance about when to start adding to our family! But that's assuming counseling and donating go well for us.
We already know we're going to be together forever but I have so many ups and downs that I'd really love to get solved before we further our plans to start this little family!
I plan to start college in Fall of 2009 too! Just when we start trying again! SAHM who goes to college--man I tell you it will be rough, but in the long run it'll be entirely worth it!
In Lieu of St. Valentine's Day
I am a horrible baker. I can't bake anything to save my life.
The day I get held up in my house and demanded to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies or Mr. Gunman will shoot me up execution style will be the day I die--execution style.
I can't bake. I can't do it. Kudos to my mother for stealing all of my baking abilities. That woman can bake the most delicious cake/cookies/bread with her hands tied behind her back, blind folded and with no electric mixer. It's fascinating.
Anytime I try to bake, my all but supportive boyfriend Stefan comically remembers the first time I baked cookies for him. The dough was dry and crumbly--it wouldn't stick together to form balls to put on the pan. I INSISTED that if I just put the batter the refrigerator that it would moisten right up and we'd have cookies in no time. The result? Said batter sat in the refrigerator for 3 weeks, maybe longer, before I realized I probably wasn't going to be making cookies again anytime soon.
Or the time when I got tired and fell asleep in the process of baking the cookies and they were charred so badly to the bottom of the brand new baking pan (With airflow technology!!) that I threw out the cookies--still attached to the pan. I've since earned the title for creating the most durable hockey pucks the Tri-City Hockey league has ever had the delight of using.
I'm just hopeless.
Stefan has challenged me to make cookies for St. Valentine's Day. I told him to pack his things and move out.
My poor daughter will never know the delight of coming home to fresh baked cookies and milk, as I did. Unless Grandma's in town!
Suck it up kid you're stuck with Hy-vee Sugar Cookies!
The day I get held up in my house and demanded to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies or Mr. Gunman will shoot me up execution style will be the day I die--execution style.
I can't bake. I can't do it. Kudos to my mother for stealing all of my baking abilities. That woman can bake the most delicious cake/cookies/bread with her hands tied behind her back, blind folded and with no electric mixer. It's fascinating.
Anytime I try to bake, my all but supportive boyfriend Stefan comically remembers the first time I baked cookies for him. The dough was dry and crumbly--it wouldn't stick together to form balls to put on the pan. I INSISTED that if I just put the batter the refrigerator that it would moisten right up and we'd have cookies in no time. The result? Said batter sat in the refrigerator for 3 weeks, maybe longer, before I realized I probably wasn't going to be making cookies again anytime soon.
Or the time when I got tired and fell asleep in the process of baking the cookies and they were charred so badly to the bottom of the brand new baking pan (With airflow technology!!) that I threw out the cookies--still attached to the pan. I've since earned the title for creating the most durable hockey pucks the Tri-City Hockey league has ever had the delight of using.
I'm just hopeless.
Stefan has challenged me to make cookies for St. Valentine's Day. I told him to pack his things and move out.
My poor daughter will never know the delight of coming home to fresh baked cookies and milk, as I did. Unless Grandma's in town!
Suck it up kid you're stuck with Hy-vee Sugar Cookies!
Ridiculously Sober-Although I could go for a Margarita!!!
Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog within the last week. It was purely coincidence that my most recent blog was my “Who am I” blog. Ironic J
I’ve been visiting an LMHP so I’ve really had to dive in deep to reconnect with myself. She’s challenging my mind in ways I don’t want to be challenged, but overall will make me a mentally healthier individual.
It’s been an exhausting few weeks. Last week I survived on 4 hours or less of sleep a day. I was a literal insomniac and my body was torn down. Luckily I had a three day weekend. It was much, much needed. I went through my house and located areas that needed organizational improvements and focused a lot of my time doing that. Does anyone else find it extremely hard to unwind when something in your house needs to be done? Yeah, me too. But I was just torn apart last week and couldn’t force myself to do anything! I HATE THAT.
So my house is in much better shape. The bathroom was the worst, god I hated it. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and the ONLY storage space in the bathroom is under the sink. (Men designed the apartment, clearly). I found an over the toilet space saver a shower curtain/rug and an over the door hanger for towels and such. It’s an AMAZING improvement. We had a microwave stand holding our clean towels before and it was bulky and in the way. Rileigh loved to tear the towels out and throw them all over hell.
We moved the microwave stand into our walk-in closet (that’s basically the storage room for lack of sufficient storage elsewhere) for sheets and extra clothes of Stefan’s. I’m a much saner individual.
ANY STORAGE/ORGANIZATION TIPS ARE APPRECIATED.
I’ve learned that living in a small house means you need to find storage and organization EVERYWHERE you can. I hate clutter. It makes me uneasy. So this is how I’ve come to deal.
My next big thing will be our office area, I’ll upload some pictures when I get home. I need better storage for these items. I also need to go through and get rid of crap I don’t want that I’ve accumulated.
That’s where my efforts are this week. I also hope I’m able to focus on this project.
I’m making sure to read the blogs of everyone who leaves a comment! So… Be fruitful and multiply? LOL. Who knows. But it benefits you to read and comment on my blog. I scratch your back if you scratch mine J
I’ve been visiting an LMHP so I’ve really had to dive in deep to reconnect with myself. She’s challenging my mind in ways I don’t want to be challenged, but overall will make me a mentally healthier individual.
It’s been an exhausting few weeks. Last week I survived on 4 hours or less of sleep a day. I was a literal insomniac and my body was torn down. Luckily I had a three day weekend. It was much, much needed. I went through my house and located areas that needed organizational improvements and focused a lot of my time doing that. Does anyone else find it extremely hard to unwind when something in your house needs to be done? Yeah, me too. But I was just torn apart last week and couldn’t force myself to do anything! I HATE THAT.
So my house is in much better shape. The bathroom was the worst, god I hated it. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and the ONLY storage space in the bathroom is under the sink. (Men designed the apartment, clearly). I found an over the toilet space saver a shower curtain/rug and an over the door hanger for towels and such. It’s an AMAZING improvement. We had a microwave stand holding our clean towels before and it was bulky and in the way. Rileigh loved to tear the towels out and throw them all over hell.
We moved the microwave stand into our walk-in closet (that’s basically the storage room for lack of sufficient storage elsewhere) for sheets and extra clothes of Stefan’s. I’m a much saner individual.
ANY STORAGE/ORGANIZATION TIPS ARE APPRECIATED.
I’ve learned that living in a small house means you need to find storage and organization EVERYWHERE you can. I hate clutter. It makes me uneasy. So this is how I’ve come to deal.
My next big thing will be our office area, I’ll upload some pictures when I get home. I need better storage for these items. I also need to go through and get rid of crap I don’t want that I’ve accumulated.
That’s where my efforts are this week. I also hope I’m able to focus on this project.
I’m making sure to read the blogs of everyone who leaves a comment! So… Be fruitful and multiply? LOL. Who knows. But it benefits you to read and comment on my blog. I scratch your back if you scratch mine J
Who am I?
I guess this is something I've been struggling with my entire life. I don't know who I am.
I can be 'labeled' as a mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a co-worker, a dispatcher and a cousin. But is that who I really am? All of these things only take up a very small part of me.
I can be called talkative, lazy, liar, smart, funny, confident, neurotic, forgetful, sexy, thoughtful and creative. However, these are things others see in me!
Who am I? Who do I believe I am? If I dig down far enough and really be truly honest with myself...
I am a woman who cherishes her family. I am someone who constantly misses my friends--even when they're only upstairs. I am deeply flawed and extremely emotional. I am deeply scarred but hardly wounded. I love poetry and the smell of brand new books. I love the sounds of words when read aloud. Each syllable, each word, each sentence and each paragraph.
I love to hear myself laugh--I don't do it near enough anymore.
I'm someone who talks more talk than she'll ever allow herself to walk. I constantly fight my inner demons and 90% of the time, they win. I'm impatient and ridiculous, but I expect you to wait for me when I'm running late. I'm always running late.
I'm half-way between irresponsible and completely independent. I get things done on my own damn time and I forget the world doesn't work that way. I'm passionate about the little things. The little people.
I don't cry when I'm sad. I have an irrational fear of crying when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry because I don't know what else to do. I talk fast and loud when I'm excited. I have a lisp when I'm tired or drunk.
I'm the one who fills the void of silence. I can't stand silence. I sleep with the TV on, I clean with the music blaring. The only time I require silence is when I'm reading. When I'm reading I hear the sounds of the voices I've created for my characters. I hear the sounds of the bustling in the book. I let myself get completely enveloped by books, it's my escape.
I'm plain and simple--straight to the point. I've been referred to as glamorous and I've never quite understood that. I find the beauty in everyone and typically I'm jealous of it but only at first, because I tend to dwell on the negatives of everyone.
I'm happy nearly 100% of the time it's just hard to tell by the way I talk.
I cuss like a sailor and I am ashamed of it. I've been raised to believe it's not lady-like yet I refuse to quit.
I have to constantly remind myself to put forth an effort to learn about other people. It's not as though I'm not interested in what they have to say, I just get lost in my own conversation that I forget to ask people how they are and how they're doing.
I'm open-minded and sometimes judemental. I have a hard time walking in someone else's shoes without first being reminded. Empathy is certinaly not inherent in me.
My heart aches when I see an elderly man eating alone. I have felt a strange type of remorse for people on death row.
I constantly believe I'm not good enough. In anything I try to do, I first question myself. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Will I fail? What will others think? How will I feel if I fail? But you'll never know it because I'm the master of putting on a brave face. I rarely try new things.
I pretend to know more about things than I actually do. When I can hardly tell you about myself!
I am Kassandra.
I can be 'labeled' as a mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a co-worker, a dispatcher and a cousin. But is that who I really am? All of these things only take up a very small part of me.
I can be called talkative, lazy, liar, smart, funny, confident, neurotic, forgetful, sexy, thoughtful and creative. However, these are things others see in me!
Who am I? Who do I believe I am? If I dig down far enough and really be truly honest with myself...
I am a woman who cherishes her family. I am someone who constantly misses my friends--even when they're only upstairs. I am deeply flawed and extremely emotional. I am deeply scarred but hardly wounded. I love poetry and the smell of brand new books. I love the sounds of words when read aloud. Each syllable, each word, each sentence and each paragraph.
I love to hear myself laugh--I don't do it near enough anymore.
I'm someone who talks more talk than she'll ever allow herself to walk. I constantly fight my inner demons and 90% of the time, they win. I'm impatient and ridiculous, but I expect you to wait for me when I'm running late. I'm always running late.
I'm half-way between irresponsible and completely independent. I get things done on my own damn time and I forget the world doesn't work that way. I'm passionate about the little things. The little people.
I don't cry when I'm sad. I have an irrational fear of crying when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry because I don't know what else to do. I talk fast and loud when I'm excited. I have a lisp when I'm tired or drunk.
I'm the one who fills the void of silence. I can't stand silence. I sleep with the TV on, I clean with the music blaring. The only time I require silence is when I'm reading. When I'm reading I hear the sounds of the voices I've created for my characters. I hear the sounds of the bustling in the book. I let myself get completely enveloped by books, it's my escape.
I'm plain and simple--straight to the point. I've been referred to as glamorous and I've never quite understood that. I find the beauty in everyone and typically I'm jealous of it but only at first, because I tend to dwell on the negatives of everyone.
I'm happy nearly 100% of the time it's just hard to tell by the way I talk.
I cuss like a sailor and I am ashamed of it. I've been raised to believe it's not lady-like yet I refuse to quit.
I have to constantly remind myself to put forth an effort to learn about other people. It's not as though I'm not interested in what they have to say, I just get lost in my own conversation that I forget to ask people how they are and how they're doing.
I'm open-minded and sometimes judemental. I have a hard time walking in someone else's shoes without first being reminded. Empathy is certinaly not inherent in me.
My heart aches when I see an elderly man eating alone. I have felt a strange type of remorse for people on death row.
I constantly believe I'm not good enough. In anything I try to do, I first question myself. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Will I fail? What will others think? How will I feel if I fail? But you'll never know it because I'm the master of putting on a brave face. I rarely try new things.
I pretend to know more about things than I actually do. When I can hardly tell you about myself!
I am Kassandra.
Too Beautiful for February
My insomnia is back, full force, completely knocking me out. It's awful and I hate it.
Yesterday I decided that even though I hadn't had alot of sleep this week, I needed to straighten up my house--and that I did. I laid down at 10 tossed and turned until 12 when Stefan called to tell me I had an errand to run (damnit) and I got ready for that. Turns out I didn't need to run that errand and by 1, I was already so annoyed at my lack of sleeping abilities I decided to go pick my dear Rileigh up from daycare--only she was napping.
I diddled around until 3 and picked her up. We went to Kid's Kingdom to run around. I suspected she wasn't feeling the best but she was having a blast and wasn't running a fever. I assume she is teething. These 1st year molars might kill us.
Needless to say I didn't get to bed until 6, Stefan probably wasn't too happy about not being able to see me (sorry baby!) and even then I tossed and turned the entire 4 hours. I woke up late, didn't get to shower and my night went downhill ever since.
I hate when I miss my shower.
I refuse to call someone in to cover for me so I can go home because it's supposed to be 62* today. SIXTY TWO. I refuse to be sick. I refuse to miss this fantastic opportunity to bring my daughter to the park. I refuse ,I refuse, I refuse! *Unless of course she's out of daycare today.. Then I might just die.*
The things we do for our kids.. MAN. I'm telling you though, if I was single--that park would be the ultimate place to pick up hot single fathers. They mingle there. It's AWESOME. So at least I know where to go for some good eye-candy.
I just wish Stefan could be one of the hot (not single) fathers that mingled there more often. His damn job is getting ridiculous. He works 11 hours a day 6 days a week and sometimes he goes in on Sunday's too. I loathe his job right now. But at least he's got one right? I have to remember to be thankful that he has a job, that I have a job and that we can raise our daughter.
I just miss him. I don't see him until well after 6 and I sometimes lay back down when Rileigh goes to bed at 8. He hardly ever comes with me to chill out. He's interested in the computer or watching his stupid sports crap.
Graveyards blow.
Yesterday I decided that even though I hadn't had alot of sleep this week, I needed to straighten up my house--and that I did. I laid down at 10 tossed and turned until 12 when Stefan called to tell me I had an errand to run (damnit) and I got ready for that. Turns out I didn't need to run that errand and by 1, I was already so annoyed at my lack of sleeping abilities I decided to go pick my dear Rileigh up from daycare--only she was napping.
I diddled around until 3 and picked her up. We went to Kid's Kingdom to run around. I suspected she wasn't feeling the best but she was having a blast and wasn't running a fever. I assume she is teething. These 1st year molars might kill us.
Needless to say I didn't get to bed until 6, Stefan probably wasn't too happy about not being able to see me (sorry baby!) and even then I tossed and turned the entire 4 hours. I woke up late, didn't get to shower and my night went downhill ever since.
I hate when I miss my shower.
I refuse to call someone in to cover for me so I can go home because it's supposed to be 62* today. SIXTY TWO. I refuse to be sick. I refuse to miss this fantastic opportunity to bring my daughter to the park. I refuse ,I refuse, I refuse! *Unless of course she's out of daycare today.. Then I might just die.*
The things we do for our kids.. MAN. I'm telling you though, if I was single--that park would be the ultimate place to pick up hot single fathers. They mingle there. It's AWESOME. So at least I know where to go for some good eye-candy.
I just wish Stefan could be one of the hot (not single) fathers that mingled there more often. His damn job is getting ridiculous. He works 11 hours a day 6 days a week and sometimes he goes in on Sunday's too. I loathe his job right now. But at least he's got one right? I have to remember to be thankful that he has a job, that I have a job and that we can raise our daughter.
I just miss him. I don't see him until well after 6 and I sometimes lay back down when Rileigh goes to bed at 8. He hardly ever comes with me to chill out. He's interested in the computer or watching his stupid sports crap.
Graveyards blow.
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