Went to church on Sunday after an absense that spanned a few months. My excuse is a busy summer. It's a poor excuse but, it's all I have.

During my Adult Instruction class I started seriously considering my and Rileigh's baptism. I'm almost finished with AI and I want to have my baptism before I get confirmed. I'm thinking of the congregation here as a joint baptism/confirmation is a lengthy service. I figured I would talk to Pastor Reiners and get a baptism date set in November. It's hasty, but I really want Rileigh to be baptized.

Upon deciding this I had to also think of who we chose as her God Mother. My best friend Jessica. I've tried to schedule Rileigh's baptism a few times and always ran into a conflict or have been unable to contact Jessica about a good date for everyone. This is why it's taken so long.

After church I talked to Stefan about asking another couple to take Rileigh on as their God Daughter. We knew the perfect couple but we haven't known them long and really had to think about our decision.

I've known Jessica my entire life. Our relationship has been odd since we've been friends long distance for the better half of the friendship. Within the last 3 years we've become both very close and very distant. Where I truly value her as a best friend, she's shown very clearly that she does not value me as a best friend. I'm a firm believer in "actions speak louder than words", and her actions are screaming in my face.

Over the last three years I've made countless visits to see her. I also rearrange my plans whenI head her way so that I can stop and make a quick visit. She has not once visited me. This alone makes me doubt that she'd truly try and make it work to get here for Rileigh's baptism.

I was flattered when she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and it was the most stressful thing I've gone through in the last 6 months. I wasn't told very important things about the wedding. I won't get into details but there was a huge lack of communication between the two of us and I both called and text messaged several times during each incident for answers to no avail. I relied on another bridesmaid who will be her sister in law for the answers to my questions.

I'm proud of her and I'm happy for her in where she has come in life. But I can honestly say I can't respect her as an individual anymore after this last incident.

She's moving to Washington with her husband for his job. She has talked to me more in the last month about his job prospects than we have talked in years. Her husband was applying for jobs in the town I live in as well as in Washington. I didn't actually know he was applying in Washington. The last text message I recieved from her is that Abe really enjoyed Grand Island and she wanted real estate numbers. I ask a few of my friends for their trusted real estate agents and as I go to tell her about them I see her Facebook status... "Moving to Washington."

Thanks for letting me know. I'm glad I deserved a personal phone call. You'd think 21 years would mean more to you. I honestly hope she at least had the decency to call her family and let them know.

It sound petty and I am happy for her. But it's just the straw the broke the camel's back after a hugely strained friendship.

I thought about this seriously since Sunday and decided I didn't want her as a God Mother for Rileigh. I played the scenario out in my head that Stefan and I both passed away. Where would she go? She'd go to Washington, away from her family to a set of complete strangers. Rileigh would be terrified. I thought of this and my heart ached. If the trend of selfishness with Jessica continues I also saw Rileigh being very unhappy. Feeling like she never fit in. Being outcasted. I can't have my daughter living like that. I know it's worst case scenario-but that's what God Parents are for.

What I thought would be a very difficult decision was actually very easy. It was a no-brainer, actually.
I asked Nate and Melissa to be Rileigh's God Parents tonight--in a true 21st century manner. Hey, we are still in our 20's!!! I text messaged her :) .

I am 100% at peace with this decision. I firmly believe God brought these people into our lives for a reason and this is only a small part of it. We've known Mel and Nate since February--not a very long time at all. But I can see how much they love my daughter. I look at them as a couple and they remind me so much of Stefan and I in the way that they get along. They're both college graduates and have very good jobs. So I know supporting another couple's child wouldn't be an issue for them. They have a son that Rileigh absolutely adores (even if she scares the hell out of him still...) But most importantly, Rileigh knows them. She loves them! Their home is a second home to her and you can tell the minute she walks in the door. She's very comfortable there.

So after much prayer and deliberation we have come to this conclusion and I couldn't be more at peace with it.

Don't you worry about me! I'm still here! I'm still kicking!

I just get very off track and bored with the blog thing sometimes. I run out of things to talk about. BUT I'm back. With a whole new category of things to talk about.

Homebirths and cloth diapering will be introduced to this blog. Yes Mel, I totally intend to cloth diaper.

I'll update my faithful followers on my family quickly before I get into my little rant about Nebraska! We've moved! We now reside in a lovely little duplex with a huge backyard. We still live in the same town just in a new home. Rileigh loves all the space she has as do Stefan and I. Rileigh will be 2 on Monday the 28th and we have a party planned for her on the 26th at Helgoth's Pumpkin Patch. We're very excited. She's also in phase 1 of potty training. Yay, Rileigh! Stefan and I are currently enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and are still on BabySteps 1 and 2. We're doing well with it though and we love it. It's brought our relationship to an entirely different level. Things are going very well for us.

On to my rant. Nebraska makes it virtually impossible and mostly illegal to have a homebirth. Certified Nurse Midwives (CNM) are not allowed to attend a home birth. It is against the law here in Nebraska. What kind of malarky is that?

This all came about after I read about Ricki Lake's documentary "The Business of Being Born" and decided (with hesitation) to rent and watch it. I was certain I wouldn't change my mind about wanting a totaly medical hospital birth complete with epidural. Boy was I dead wrong. I so desperately want a homebirth now. I was very discouraged to find out that it was nearly impossible in Nebraska.

In January of this year Ken Haar (D) introduced LB481 into Nebraska Legislature. This bill is designed to lift restrictions on CNMs attending homebirths. This, however, does not change the fact that they are not allowed to work independently from hospitals or medical clinics. I'm not sure if there is a bill for this introduced yet or not. Although I'm sure many hospitals will threaten CNMs their positions when LB481 passes and they want to go out and do homebirths. Which makes me quite annoyed. Moving on.

I've recently joined the website Nebraska Midwives and plan on getting involved on getting this bill passed so that I can legally give birth at home when that time comes.

You can read more about LB481 on the Nebraska Legislature website.

I've also been researching heavily on cloth diapering child number 2 when the time comes. Since Rileigh will be potty trained soon I won't be putting money towards a cloth diaper "stash" for her. Stefan was not on board with this at all in the beginning but I sat him down and showed him some "Bumgenius 3.0" one size diapers and told him how they worked. They're just like disposables now only cheaper and cuter. I also showed him The GoodMama brand of clothe diaper which comes in a variety of patterns and is apparently the "Eddie Bauer" of clothe diapers. These are the two brands I am most interested in when it comes to cloth diapers and they are also the two brands I've heard the best reviews on which is very encouraging.

I've told a few family and friends that I'm interested in clothe diapers for baby number 2 and was met with much resistance. I'm not sure if they think we're going old school with pre-folds and pins or what, but cloth diapers have come such a long way since then! For those who do use pre-folds (they are still around) there is a new invention called the "Snappi" invented by a father! They're safer than a pin and hold more securely. My daycare provider told me she refused to support me with cloth diapers and would ask me to purchase disposables. I was actually quite surprised by this. I wasn't prepared for a debate and actually new nothing about cloth diapers at the time and just shrugged her off. I'm hoping to not need her in the near future.

I now know how revolutionary cloth diapers now are! They're no different than disposables! They're better on the environment, your pocket book, your baby's bum and they're cute as can be!

More to come about both of these topics as I research more and get to experience them both! Stay tuned!

I've done a little playing around with the focusing on my camera. I hope to take a few more pictures before we go to Seattle on Thursday! It's been a very busy time and very rainy. It's been hard to get out and about! Here are some old ones that I really enjoy.




Kassandra

I love avacados. I love Guacamole. I love Ina Garten. So when she featured this salad on her show the other morning (the show that I DVR) I was speechless. We're going to a friends for a BBQ tonight and I thought I'd bring this along.

I made two substitutes and one addition. I forgot a yellow pepper so I used green and I I left out the black beans because I don't like them, lol. I added cilantro to the sauce to keep it fresh. It turned out FANTASTIC.

Here's Ina's recipe.

Guacamole Salad

1 pint grape tomatoes, halved
1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and 1/2-inch diced
1 (15 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained
1/2 cup small diced red onion
2 tablespoons minced jalapeno peppers, seeded (2 peppers)
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated lime zest
1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (2 limes)
1/4 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
2 ripe Hass avocadoes, seeded, peeled, and 1/2-inch diced
Directions
1Place the tomatoes, yellow pepper, black beans, red onion, jalapeño peppers, and lime zest in a large bowl.
2Whisk together the lime juice, olive oil, salt, black pepper, garlic, and cayenne pepper and pour over the vegetables.
3Toss well.
4Just before you're ready to serve the salad, fold the avocados into the salad.
5Check the seasoning and serve at room temperature. *I serve it chilled*

It's true, it does seem like everyone is a professional photographer these days. Especially with the wonderful new technology! I wish I had a DSLR... I'm practically salivating for one, haha.

Memorial Day weekend was pretty uneventful. I am sick with a sinus infection that's taking over my entire life. But we still tried to make the most of the weekend. We went to a barbecue with some new friends and I stood back and took about a million pictures (or so it seems). It was relaxing and fun, but I paid for it the next day. I was so exhausted. Thank goodness for Stefan, he let me sleep until 2, he knew I wasn't feeling well.

Here are some pictures that I found to be quite good from my weekend :) Enjoy!

I like to toy around with my camera. It's a more advanced point and shoot and it's really good for how much I paid for it.

I also like to think I've got some knack for photography. A friend from work seems to think the same! She wants me to take some photos of her son at the park and adit them for her. I don't do a lot of editing... But I'm wanting to take some classes on it.

I feel like I do better when I child is in a relaxed or carefree state. You get much better emotion and a much stronger feel for the person in the photgraph. I'm someone who believed every picture has and should tell it's own story. That's my photography method, I search for the story.

Here are some pics that seem to be pretty popular! Tell me what you think!

I don't want Rileigh to ever be able to say that I was never around or that I made her feel unimportant. As a result, I probably overcompensate. I just know what I want to be as a Mother and I hope I can be that for her.

I try to do special activities for her whenever I can. Stefan and I were in the middle of making her an "economy" sandbox but realized the store was out of the sand we wanted. So in a pinch, I turned it into a water box. Rileigh loves it. She could play outside with it all day. We picked up a small tote, one of the ones that fits under beds, and filled it with water and water appropriate toys and put it on the porch. It was such a success that I'll have to keep it a waterbox and get a new tote for the sand!

Somewhere around 4am I woke up to get a drink and check on my daughter. I peaked in her door and noticed her face down buns up in her new toddler bed. Something like this...


Notice how her diaper is slightly off kilter? I didn't think much of it, I was tired, and wanted to go back to sleep. SO I DID. I'm sorely regretting that decision.

Around 8am my lovely daughter chippers "Moooooommmmmyyyyy!" Sounding the alarm that it's time to wake up! SO I DID. I'm sorely regretting that decision.

I peak into her room to find.... A toddler and a toddler bed covered in poo. Poo on her face, poo in her hair, poo on her legs, poo on her new bed set. Poo everywhere.

I giggled a little and poked my head in to Stefan (who doesn't do poo well, at all) "Honey? I'm gonna need your help for this one..."

Let's hope this isn't an indication of how the rest of my day is going to play out.

The prompt:

1.) Who really helped you get over something? Write about that person.

I really want to say Stefan here, because he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. He was the only person who was willing to put up with my crap after a really shitty break-up. He was the only one who cared about my feelings after my miscarriage. He was the only one who would drink with me all night until I just didn’t think about anything else but being drunk anymore. He was there for me in the ways that I needed him.

I really want to say Kara, my counselor, for helping me work through feelings and really understand where they’re coming from. I’m still a work in progress but my progression is significant.

I really want to say Rileigh, my daughter, for helping me get over myself. She knocked me down to reality and really showed me what it was like to love someone with everything that you are, with everything that you have, and with everything that you’ll ever be. She helped me realize what really matters in life and reminds me when I forget which is almost daily.

I really want to say all of these people helped me get over some really tough things and they absolutely HAVE. They all have left their mark on my life in ways I never knew existed. But the one that is really standing out to me is Simba.

I haven’t told you about Simba yet, I’ve been saving him. He’s my stuffed lion. I’ve had him since I was 8 years old. He was the last real present I remember my Grandmother purchasing me. Simba was my absolute and total everything. He went everywhere with me for as long as I can remember. I remember taking him to school until I was asked to stop. Maybe I was made fun of, I can’t remember for sure.

I remember feeling (and still sometimes do feel) that Simba has a soul. That he has feelings, thoughts and a mind of his own. I remember feeling a terrible sense of guilt when I left Simba at home or when I would wake up in the morning to find out he’d fallen out of bed.

I told Simba my every thought. He always knew what was going through my head. I cried many tears on Simba. He was very much the only support I had growing up. I didn’t have the worst childhood one could imagine, but I did struggle a lot. Simba was the only ‘person’ I could turn to. He was the only one who would listen to me and the only one who would hug back. Simba was there for me when nobody else was.

My mom was a single mom who never had less than two jobs. She was hardly ever around. She struggled to support us and was often times irritable and tired. I can’t blame her for that. I don’t remember my mom being a big part of my life until she married Steve when I was 14. I don’t remember feeling like I could run to my mother and tell her I was having a bad day with some kids at school. So, I told Simba.

My sister was dealing with issues of her own. I can’t tell you exactly what those are. I’m not quite sure myself. I can tell you that she got in with a ‘bad crowd’ and started experimenting with drugs. I can tell you she had a violent temper that she often took out on me because there was nobody else to take it out on. I can tell you I received numerous bruises from my sister while my mom seemed to look the other way. I don’t even know if I ever told my mom. I’m sure I didn’t. I was terrified of my sister.

I did not feel safe in my own home for a very long time. I would lock myself in my room and keep myself and Simba occupied as long as I could while my sister and her friends were in the living room watching TV and doing God knows what else. I remember being called names by my sister and sometimes her friends when I did leave my room and make my presence known. I shared a room with my mom for a few years because we had a 2 bedroom house and my sister hated me so much that she refused to share a room with me. There was a point when my mom became my only friend outside of Simba but was short lived.

My mom was so stressed out, I could never imagine. My sister was putting her through hell and she had two other children to think about. My brother was being raised by the State of Nebraska—which was no cakewalk for him or my family. It’s a bullshit story that I can’t wrap my head around. My parents and brother got totally screwed by the state. My brother was not a major part of my life growing up.

I couldn’t share my stories with my friends. I couldn’t vent to them about my frustrations because if my mom or sister ever found out I’d be grounded or have a few more bruises to add to my collection. So there was Simba. He’s all I ever had.

Simba was the only thing that kept me going. He was the only thing that made me comfortable enough not to pick up and leave everything behind. He was partially responsible for keeping me on the straight and narrow. (The move to Paxton and my friends played a larger role in that.)
I knew, as an 8 year old, that I needed someone to pick me up when I was down. I knew that I needed someone to listen to me. I knew that I needed someone to go to the park with and watch movies with. I knew that I needed someone to cuddle me to sleep at night. I was a resilient child. Instead of giving up and turning to drugs or violence, I turned to a stuffed lion. I made the decision to get my comfort from small toy instead of entering into the world of drugs even though it was in my face every single day. I made this decision to fight it out with everything I had even though turning to drugs would’ve been an easier way to forget.

Simba helped me get through my childhood. Simba helped me look past the things that were wrong and he helped rise above them to be the person I am today.

My sister and I have talked at length about our childhood. We have both forgiven each other for what has happened in the past. I understand now that my mom did everything she could for us as a single working mom. I could never imagine being in her shoes and having the struggles she had. As I’ve grown I have realized more and more about her daily struggles.

Things are well now, with my family, but I believe Simba is majorly, if not entirely, responsible for getting me through those rough years. Without him, I never could’ve forgiven my sister or clearly seen the obstacles my mother was put through.

God has had a huge impact on my life in the weeks following my return to church. It was a huge step for me, as I’ve entirely lost my way. I had started believing modern views on things and had classified myself as agnostic. The years following my absence from church weren’t exactly the happiest years of my life. I started making bad choices and quickly spiraled out of control. I was trying to control areas of my life that were uncontrollable. I was given choices by God and continually making the wrong choice. It caught up with me in the end.

I can’t honestly say that I’d take those years back, because I believe I needed those years to get me to where I’m at. I’m not commonly someone who wants to go back and change the way her life went. I understand that everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today. I’m quite fond of that person, most days.

More recently, however, I’ve noticed God ‘speaking’ to me more and more. Maybe it’s because I’m paying attention now. Maybe it’s because I’m seeking His guidance. Whatever it is, I’m taking the time to thank Him for it now. For everything I’ve seen He’s done for me and for the blessings he’s sent me and the answers I’ve been given.

Prayer wasn’t always something I was comfortable with. However, lately, I’ve prayed for everything. I’ve prayed for patience in situations and it was granted. I’ve prayed for signs on the path in which he wanted me to take and they were given to me. I’ve prayed for sanity and… Well I guess the jury is still out on that one!

I think it all dawned on me the other night at work. I was having a particularly rough time. I had learned of some things that didn’t exactly sit well with me. I was busy stewing about this news when something just clicked. I was suddenly very adamant about finding another job. I was sure this was just anger hitting me. I absolutely love my job and I’m good at it. But I entertained the notion of leaving and started looking for other jobs.

The next morning I texted a new friend of mine, Melissa, who I’d met through exceptionally uncanny circumstances. (God works in mysterious ways, no?) I asked her if she’d be willing to help me out with writing my resume and cover letter for a few jobs I’m interested in. She was more than happy to oblige. She loves this kind of thing. Which is great! Because I loathe this kind of thing. We set up a day to get working on it and after the conversation with her I, again, had this overwhelming feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I stopped “entertaining” the idea of leaving my job and set out to just do it.

Melissa and I met online. On Baby Center. I’m from Nebraska and there isn’t a lot of women on Baby Center from Nebraska, let alone the town I’m from. So, when I learned Melissa lived close to me, I became pretty excited. We e-mailed back and forth quite a bit at first and after a few exchanges she added me to her Facebook account. I noticed she had a friend on her page that I had known and lost contact with 2 years ago, so without a second thought I added that person. The very next day I receive an e-mail from Melissa (who’s pretty freaked out, by the way) because I’d added her mother to my Facebook page. She tried to remain calm in her e-mail—but her eebie jeebies were entirely evident. I explained how I knew her mom (which she double checked, of course) and the friendship snowballed from there.

I’m not sure either of us were really all that excitable about meeting an online friend. It probably would’ve been 6 months to a year before we took that step. But since I’d known her mom so well (and I wasn’t a creepy internet weirdo) she trusted me enough to go out for drinks.

At the time when we met up for drinks I was at a seriously low point in my life. My best friend of 20 years was getting married in Omaha and was terribly busy with her wedding. I really didn’t have the money to visit her as often as I needed a friend and neither did she. My best friend from college was busy with graduate school in Colorado and that’s an even longer drive. I had no real friends near me. I was desperately seeking that one friend. It’s hard to describe any other way. That one friend who you can tell anything to. The one who you can call with only a 10 minutes’ notice and go for a drink or a pedicure or to the mall. The one who’s on the same page in life as you are.

Then God sent me Melissa who’s blessed with rockin’ resume writing skills among other awesome things, like Margarita blending, and lasagna baking. So, she’s totally multi-purposed.

I believe God led me straight to Peach Lutheran Church as well. I’m still trying to understand his motives for this, however, because as I understand it our Pastor won’t marry us since we live together. The Lutheran (Missouri Synod) religion, as I understand it, also doesn’t recognize gay men and women. I’ve got two family members who are openly gay and I have yet to speak to our Pastor about this. I don’t know how it will change the views I have of the church right now. I guess it depends on what he has to say. He does seem to be a rather passionate man so whatever he says will be no different. He’ll be very passionate about it and he’ll let us know that.

I’ve started getting pretty involved in the church and I really do feel at home there. I’m in adult instruction classes now and I’ve volunteered to help with the youth group activities. I’ve met a few great people in the congregation which I’m excited about. However, I still haven’t seen what He’s trying to show me by guiding me to this church or this branch of Christianity. I guess only time will tell.

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. I should be back up and posting like normal for the next few weeks!

We buy all our home fragrances at Bath and Body Works now. I absolutely love their huge selection and we can switch it up whenever we want. Plus their plug-ins seem to last for 6 months…

I purchased “Lilac Blossoms” room spray last week. I absolutely adore the smell of fresh lilacs. It brings me back to my teenage years and the carefree wonders of adolescence. Every time I use this spray (among our zillions of others because they last forever) I am reminded of being back in Paxton, Nebraska. The first time I sprayed it in our living room I was unprepared for the flooding of memories I would have of my hometown.

Paxton can best be described as a quiet town just off of Interstate 80 in Nebraska. It’s a quaint little town of 700. It’s particularly famous for Ole’s Big Game Bar and Grill. The school system is competitive and successful in its academics as well as sports. The school is consolidated with Keystone and Roscoe, NE. I graduated in a class of 22—particularly large for Paxton.

The people are all very friendly. You knew everyone you saw. You knew where everyone worked. You couldn’t go somewhere without someone knowing you. It was a very typical small town. It certainly wasn’t surprising to see your school teachers in the bar on Saturday enjoying a few drinks.

I can’t say my high school journey was marvelous and continuously happy. I don’t think everyone had a perfect high school journey. But I was comfortable, I had the greatest friends and I had fun.

We lived in cozy white house on Highway 30. My dad, Steve, renovated the basement to include 3 extra bedrooms so that his children wouldn’t be forced to share their rooms. Our home had a humongous yard that wasn’t particularly fun to mow in the summer. Along the west side of the house was a cluster of lilac bushes 5 feet thick and 100 feet wide. There was another large cluster on the east side in the dead center of the yard. When they blossomed in the spring you could smell them from 3 blocks away! They were absolutely gorgeous in full bloom and the fragrance knocked you off your feet.

I’ll never forget waking up in May in Paxton… The school year was almost done, the sun was shining, Dad was always whistling in the morning and that unmistakable aroma of lilacs just filled the entire house.

I’m sad to say I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should’ve. But that small can of spray brings all my favorite memories of Paxton flooding back.

The time my friend Amy tripped in front of Ole’s and threw her arms out a la Superman. I can’t remember I time I laughed so hard.

Mark Hehnke’s sandwiches for lunch. Man, I miss those. They were stacked a mile high with the thinnest sliced meet, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese mayonnaise… Not sure what made them so damn good, but nobody could make a sandwich like Hehnke’s.

Early mornings on the bus to a Track and Field meet. The smell of the crisp morning air. My crappy 90’s “warm up” music.

Being an official “Prowler” for Paxton High School. That was the dance team. A girl in my sophomore class and a senior pioneered the dance team. It was a huge success for about 7 years and died off like most things do (other than volleyball, basketball and track).

Being the 2nd member of Paxton’s speech team and watching the team grow to more than 15 before I graduated.

My mentor and English Teacher Margaret Wilkie.

The Green at the Berean Church in Ogallala. It was the high school fellowship.

I could go on and on forever about the memories I relive when I smell a cluster of lilacs… But I think you get the drift.

What smells do this for you?

The Prompt is...

1.) If I sent you four hundred dollars today what is ONE thing you would spend it on and why? ps I want my change.

I would pay off my credit card with it... It's only $200 right now... But that's what'd I'd do... Cause that $400 would help more than you'd know... Then I'd spend the rest of it on the Ipod Stefan wants cause his birthday is on the 16th and I can't get him anything until at least May 1st.

Sorry Kat... You get no change!!!

Mental Monday!


I confess, I totally ditched therapy this week. Rileigh was sick and this was a couples’ session and we couldn’t go leaving her with a sitter while she feels so crappy! We rescheduled for Thursday. So you’ll have a Mental Thursday although by then I hope to have come up with a better alliteration. (Thank you, Mrs. Wilkie, I can’t believe I remember that word.)

But since I didn’t get around to posting last Monday about my “mental health issues” I’ll tell you all about it today. Aren’t you excited?

I started off talking about our cousins’ divorce. We’re both pretty shaken by it although, I think, anyone could’ve seen it coming. We’re both very heart broken. We’ve taken the time to sit down and truly analyze our relationship and work some adjustments. We’ve had very healthy and much needed conversations about our “fate”. We’re both in the same book and at the very least in the same chapter now. We’re worried because our relationship started so similarly to theirs. We’re very much a reflection of them. Her reasoning for the divorce sounded much like how we’ve become and we’re both threatened by that I think.

I was able to dispel some of Stefan’s initial fears and comparisons and am now working on the feelings I’m having. So much of our conversation flowed around the divorce.

We wound up working into some of my feelings about our sex life, which I would really love to share with everyone, in case someone is in the same position, but I feel that it’s disrespectful not only to Stefan but to Rileigh. It’s a key issue in some of the things I’ve been feeling and some of the problems I’ve been having both in and out of our relationship.

It all seems to fall back on trust. We both have lost a serious amount of trust for each other, in different ways.

I have made mistakes and been unfaithful. I’ve opened up to him about this. It’s no big secret and I’m not trying to hide anything from him. A lot of my life is detailed in my journals. I stopped journaling shortly after we got together. I started back up again after being unfaithful. I truly needed an outlet.

Stefan saw a notebook that he did not recognize, he knew I liked to journal and he knew I really opened up about everything in my journals. He took this as an invite to read an entry. This is precisely when he found out about my episode. So not only was trust lost of mine but also of his.

I had this feeling for a few weeks that it was not fair of me to feel resentment towards him for reading my journals because of what was in them. Which is entirely irrational. He knows I’m very sensitive about all of my writing. Not just my journals but my poetry and my short stories. They’re sacred to me. They’re my own private thoughts and I should be the one choosing to let you in!

Writing is my thought process. It’s how I piece together my life and come to terms with what’s happening in my life. It’s like me opening up his brain and picking through it with a fine toothed comb. Digesting and violated every single thought he ever had.

Yes, what I did was wrong. Yes, I crossed a very defined boundary. But he did too and I have every right to angry and I have every right to not trust him when it comes to my writings.

I’m back to not writing what I truly feel and what I truly want because I’m scared of him finding it and of his reaction. Is that truly healthy in a relationship? There is such a serious lack of trust between the two of us. Can we overcome that? Can he? Can I? If one of us cannot overcome our trust issue with the other, then what? What of us then? Are we doomed? Is that the end of our relationship?

I thoroughly believe that you cannot be in a relationship where there is no trust. I’ve stated this several times and I’ve made Stefan aware of this. I can’t be in a relationship where I can’t be comfortable being me. Where I can’t think or do or say exactly what I feel. Likewise with Stefan, why should he have to stay in a relationship where he will always wonder if what I told him is a lie? If I’m really out playing cards with Mel or if I’m really having lunch with Callie?

We stay with each other because we are selfish. We don’t want to see the other one go. We can’t even be sure we’re 100% happy. We’ve had the discussion. We both just didn’t know.

I brought all of this up at therapy and with finding myself and my place in society as well as healing a very broken relationship… My head is so muddied. It’s going to be a long winding journey.

Twelve inches of snow?! Yeah, Right.





I'd call it more like 2 inches.





Y'know, meteorologists irritate the crap out of me. They are rarely--if ever--right about how much snow we'll get. Especially when they start getting into the double digits.





I very rarely pay attention to them at all when it comes to severe weather. If they tell me it's going to be 79*F out I'll believe them. If they tell me I can expect thunderstorms this evening, I'll believe them.





But when they tell me we're getting 12 inches of snow in any amount of time under 48 hours, I want to beat them over the head with the frying pan I use on Stefan.





Because it sends the entire state into SHOCK MODE. As in, "OH MY GOD, TWELVE INCHES?! WE'RE GOING TO BE BARRICADED INTO OUR HOMES!!!!"

Did I mention we were advised to not leave our homes after 4pm and continue the state of "no travel" until this evening. *Hysterical laughter* The snow didn't even start until after midnight. The rain didn't even start until after 6pm.





THIS is the current state of our snowfall.

NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO COVER OUR PARKING LOT.

I'm too lazy to go out and get a better picture for you. I'm also in my robe and I also need to attempt getting ready for church.

I just thought I'd let you all know that meteorologists never know what's going to happen in Nebraska.

I'd rather them tell me 12 inches and only get 2... Then tell me we're getting 2 and get 12 though... I guess there is always a silver lining.

For those of you who care to know. Zebra Cakes are absolutely scrumptious creations made by Little Debbie snacks. They are yellow cake and cream topped with frosting... You need to freaking try one, seriously! And just for that... Zebra Cakes will OFFICIALLY be part of next week's giveaway!

I'm going to Iowa and Missouri (as previously mentioned) on Tuesday. I'll be visiting my grandparents as well as attending my little sister's graduation from the Nebraska National Guard. I'm so very proud of her!

Quite frankly, I'm terrified to be traveling such a long distance (roughly 6 hours to Iowa) with an 18 month old. Especially my 18 month old. Can't you just wait for the blog about my trip? I know, I can sense your excitement to devour my pathetic complaints!!!

My mom and I are resolved to start and finish crocheting a granny square afghan on our trip. We purchased the yarn last night and I love the colors! I'll have to post a picture of that too! Assuming we finish :)!

We're set to get 12 inches of snow tomorrow. I freaking hate that it's APRIL and it's supposed to snow 12 inches. But there is always good news! Commonly, in Nebraska, there is a big bad storm in April and then the weather starts warming and we don't have to worry about that winter crap ever again. Well, at least not for a few months...

I work dispatch for law enforcement and when the weather is set to be horrible like this... All hell breaks loose in our office. People so much as see a snowflake in Nebraska and suddenly they're sliding into other people and running into telephone poles! It's intense, to say the least.

I can't imagine what'll happen when 12 inches drop on them in less than 24 hours. I shudder to think.

I've been looking into short stories and creative writing for a few days... I'm considering attempting a few short stories. I'm my own worst critique though and I usually wind up immediately hating whatever I write down. But just for my faithful readers... I'll make a large attempt. My goal is by next Sunday to have a rough draft of something I like.

I've also been looking into purchasing a new Bible--as I don't own one. I figure it'll be necessary and all since I want to start adult instruction at my church! I spotted one it's a Devotional Bible (which I love) geared directly towards being a better mother. I want it soooo badly. I've asked for it for Mothers' Day. I doubt if I wait that long to go buy it though! Maybe for Easter?!

Anyhow I hope everyone enjoys their week to come! I'm going to go work on some other eventual blogs, see if I can't get a few written and perhaps Stefan can post them for me throughout the week!

The winner of the $20 Gift Certificate to any one of my Mom's Etsy Stores is........

Blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell!!!

Congratulations! I'll let my Mom know you won in the morning and you'll be able to pick and choose from her wonderful selection or request a custom made item!

Quite honestly, this giveaway went much better than I'd ever imagined it would go! So thank you everyone who participated and I'll be dreaming up a sweet new giveaway next Saturday!!!

I'm visiting Iowa and Missouri over the next week so I'll grab as many neat "doo-dahs" as I can and include them in the next giveaway!

It also means I won't be posting much next week--if at all!

Again, THANK YOU EVERYONE for the support!

I've seen this around a few blogs... I was tempted to do my own. I'm warning you--it's horrible. But it was a huge challenge and I had fun doing it.

Another night stuck here at work.
Business as usual-I'm going berserk!
Can't leave early-no end in sight,
Don't you know it's gonna be a long night!
Everything is silent and everyone is still.
Free to do anything-so much time to kill.
Got othing to do, nothing to say,
Have my notebook and pen much like every day.
I usually find ways to pass the time.
Just like tonight, tryin' to make this thing rhyme!
Kinda difficult if I must confess
Lovein' every minute of it-trying my best!
My paper is curling and it's bugging me!
Now I've turned the page-no need to worry!
Only a few more lines to write...
Probably should go grab a bite...
Quit writing this silly peom here.
Rather, I've noticed, I've switched a gear...
Sometimes I wonder if it's ADHD
That causes me to switch ideas so suddenly!
"Unique" is another way to describe it,
Various things probably won't make this poem a hit.
With every line I'm nearer to the end.
Xylophone-is that cheating or a rule bend?
You'll probably think this poem is crap,
ZEBRA CAKES! (I don't care, cause this is a wrap!!!)

And... I might mention ZEBRA CAKES is what I decided to snack on... That's why it made it's way into my poem.. That and I had no idea which word to use for the letter "Z"...

Ha, it was fun though! Now I challenge YOU! If you decide to take me up on my challenge, leave me a comment so I can read yours!

Great session with Kara today! It was a beautiful day, one of those days you really don’t want to go to any appointment, let alone a therapy session. I’m always half tempted to skip out, but I remember she charges me anyway and she always makes me feel wonderful about myself. So I push myself to go. Summer sessions are going to be rough.

So lately I’ve been having issues feeling locked down, suffocated. I internalized these (wrongfully) that I was pulling away from Stefan. Thankfully that’s hardly the case. Let me through some background at you…

I was a sophomore in college in 2005. I started dating Jack, a friend from the previous year, that summer. Things had been going well. A bad deal with a roommate wound up with Jack and I living together around November, I believe. I dropped out of college in February and I also found myself pregnant that February and almost immediately lost the baby. I wonder if it would’ve gone unnoticed had I not tested, I wonder if it would’ve been better that way. In late March, Jack decided we needed to take a break, I’m still unsure of his reasoning for this. I was scared, confused and terribly alone. I was to move back in with my mom after his birthday in May. We were to take a break and resume things as normal when I went back to Chadron. That entire summer was a huge drama fest. Up and down, just this huge rollercoaster. I’m reminded of Lunatic Calm-Leave you Far behind, at this point in our relationship.

I met Stefan towards the middle of June. It wasn’t an immediate attraction. A lot of things were going wrong for me, I was miserable. He was apparently miserable as well. Our misery brought us together. From this point on we were nearly inseparable. This is when my “hiatus’” began. I refer to them as this because there are not good words for what I did. Three times, not once or twice, but THREE times, I picked up and took off to go back to Jack. Leaving Stefan behind in a cloud of smoke wondering what the hell he did wrong.

January was my last “hiatus” and that is when I finally realized there was absolutely nothing there for Jack and I. I came back to Stefan. I am so very fortunate, to this very day, that this man puts up with me. He wasn’t going to take me back. He had long heartfelt talks with my mother about institutionalizing me (whoa, yeah I was that bad). Thankfully he forgave me.

I think I was pregnant 2 weeks later…perhaps 3. I was terrified. I knew without a doubt that this baby was Stefan’s. I may have gone on “hiatus” but I had slept with nobody but Stefan in those awful months. I had no worries. Stefan, is probably another story. Luckily, she’s the spitting image of her father.

So as you’ve read it was all very quick. I did not allow myself time to rebound from my relationship with Jack. I did not allow myself time to screw my head on and figure out who I was without him. I jumped directly from one relationship to the next. Never a healthy thing to do. Especially after such drastic life altering changes.

I didn’t share even half of this with Kara. In fact, I told her very little. I guess I wasn’t ready to open Pandora’s Box. I told her very simple things. The last time I felt whole, happy and human was my first year in college. After that things went downhill. I met and started dating Jack. He was generally very critical of me, for example, I worked at a bar. He hated me bartending. They had very simple uniforms, a plain yellow t-shirt that I got to fit snug. This shirt did not show off anything. He lost his cool when I attempted to wear that shirt to this bar. He just straight up hating me working there. So I quit and got a much less paying job at a gas station. Which he also hated. I couldn’t do anything right.

This is when I believe I began to lose myself. Anyone in my shoes would! Constant criticism from all angles. I just wasn’t “proper” enough for him or his family. Fine, so be it. I should’ve recognized that as a sign early on and left, but I did not. That’s a part of my Adult Child.

But I digress.

Kara knew very little and was able to tell me that I’m finally healing from this relationship. That I’m finally able to come out and be myself again. That I feel suffocated because these things I want to do aren’t getting done. Rock climbing, hiking, camping, fishing, white water rafting, canoeing, tubing, etc. Stefan isn’t exactly interested in all these things. I immediately became worried that this was some sort of sign that we were incompatible. Which is silly. We can’t possibly be interested in everything all the time.

I’ve also lost a lot of friends. I wasn’t, for a long time, who I was in college. I became inhibited, judgmental, moody and clingy. Who would want to hang out with me?

I’m slowly coming back into myself. Which is wonderful and horribly scary all the same. I’m worried Stefan and I won’t compute anymore. That we’ll grow apart. He never got to know the real me. The “me” that I was for 18+ years. He just knows the miserable old hag that he got stuck with (sorry, baby!).

Among other things I’ve hit a HUGE milestone, I think, in my progress on the path to myself.

All this misplaced emotion and all these feelings that I miss Jack are entirely incorrect! (Whew!) I don’t miss Jack. I don’t miss “My Jack”. He is not the person I feel I lost in this entire ordeal. I AM THE PERSON I MISS. It’s ME! Okay, sounds simple right? TOTALLY WRONG. That is very huge and it changes things drastically for me. Drastically.

So dear readers, if you’re still reading… I FINALLY WROTE ANOTHER POEM. I think I’m no longer suppressed. In the words of my 18 month old daughter… “ROCK ON!!!”

I’m done wasting my life with this
I’m redirecting my futile efforts
It’s me the one I truly miss.

I was so scared to let you go
Because I didn’t really realize,
You’d be the last one with the pleasure to know.

Who I was, who I am struggling to find
It really has nothing to do with you
This is my last poem to you, do you mind?

I’m bursting now there’s just too much
Now that I’ve found me again
It’s just this amazing rush!

I want it all back—patience isn’t my thing
Little by little it needs to come
So I can be a healthy, functioning human being.

But “Thank you,” because without that ticking time bomb
I never would’ve grown into this amazing woman
I never could’ve been for my daughter, this incredible mom.

That’s a rough draft, mind you… But enjoy it anyhow!

***Don't forget my giveaway!!! Listen directly below this post!!!***

My first official contest… Prize listed at the bottom of the entry! Feel free to share the love!

Have I ever told you about my mother? Her name is Barb. She’s 29(ish). She’s blonde and tall. She shares the exact same birthday (3.9.19**) as our beloved Barbie doll. She also FANTASTICALLY artsy.

She’s got several stores on Etsy. She does anything from purses to dog collars and leashes or even plain old cut fabric squares.. She even specializes per the customer’s request. Send her the fabric you want and she’ll make whatever it is you ask.

In the short time I’ve been alive my mother has made me countless things. Purses, quilts, dog collars, clothes, wallets. You name it she’s made it for me. She even used to make me hair bows and ribbons when I was in the first grade. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when she put a new bow in my hair (that matched my outfit exactly). I was so proud of her and my precious new bow. I was so proud to tell my friends about this bow in my hair. About how I watched my mother craft it with her very own hands. About how it’s the only one like it in the world and it was all mine. So today I’m thanking her by shamelessly promoting her awesome and entirely flawless masterpieces.

Sewnimble—This is her store normally filled with cuts of fabric for you to do with as you choose. She’s also got a misplaced wristlet on here.. Hmm…

Cucio—This is her store filled with purses and wallets and wristlets and checkbook covers. You name it she makes it. All from her own original patterns. It’s been at least 5 years since I’ve bought a purse. I rely solely on my mother. I sometimes wonder how much this stresses her out. But then I see her latest project and forget entirely, pleading her to make me one before she starts selling them. Being the guinea pig is great…

On that note… This tote bag was supposed to be mine. I couldn’t con her out of it this time. Check it out. It’s one of my favorites. It the perfect size for a diaper bag or even a beach bag. It’s got the perfect amount of pockets not too few and not too many. I’m really a little disappointed that it’s on Etsy up for sale… And not over my shoulder right now…




SaintPaws—This is her store normally filled with dog/cat leashes and collars. The only collars my dogs have had since she started making them. Incredibly durable and entirely original! She makes them in several different sizes and will even make them from the fabric of your choice. All you have to do is find something you like and send the fabric to her! She’s very easy to work with-have I mentioned that?


This puppy collar is my favorite one. I just absolutely LOVE the fabric. Too bad I forgot my dog at my mom’s house one weekend… and never really got her back. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)




Anyhow… So here is what I’ve decided to do. Much like The SITS Gals do with their contests!

1) Take a gander at my Mom’s 3 stores..
2) Choose which item you like best and list it in my comments.
3) For an additional entry, leave my mom some feedback! (I.E. Make a purchase or leave her a note letting her know how much you love her stuff or what she could do to make you love it more! Just make sure you let her know I sent you!)
4) For another additional entry join my blog!

Winner will be announced next Saturday for this SWEET prize!!!

A $20.00 Gift Certificate to any one of my mother’s stores! For you to spend on any one item you would LOVE to have.

**MOM, I know you’ll read this. So I’m telling you now… This is me begging and pleading you to finish Rileigh’s XO quilt. LOVE YOU MUCH!!! And you totally deserve the shout out. You’re the best!**

I've been challenged over at Take Me the Way I Am to list 10 things I love that start with "B".

1. My Bug! How I love my darling Rileigh. She's the light of my life and we call her our "Bug".

2. Books! My escape. There is nothing better than getting lost in a fantastic book!

3. My Bag! I've got a bag I drag to work with me everynight that has 7 or 8 different things I can do in case I get bored at work.

4. Blue eyes! They're extremly common in my family. In fact, Stefan, Rileigh and I all have them.

5. My Boyfriend! Of course I love him! He's my hero! <3

7. Babycenter Community! I've met so many great girls (and bloggers!) in this community! I visit several times a day!

8. Blue Rasperry Vodka! I don't drink often but when I do Blue UV and Orange Juice is my all time favorite drink!

9. Blackberry Phones! I don't have one yet, but come November, I WILL!

10. Best Friends! I've got 3! I couldn't live without them.

Now it's you're turn! If you're interested in playing and your first or last name starts with R, K, S, M, C or D let me know what 10 things you love that start with the letter "O"! Leave me a comment and let me know if you're participating so I can read your list as well!

Thanks!

The Prompt: Somebody I'm praying for...

I'll begin blogging on my experiences of baptism and adult instruction for the Lutheran Church just as soon as they start. Which is about... 3 days from now and I'm nervous as I've ever been for anything.

I've launched my family back into the Church. We're a young family and Stefan was baptized and confirmed Lutheran and I was never baptized at all. But I was always very active in my church in high school. I was just always afraid to take that leap into baptism. It's hard to fully explain why. My mother wasn't a church-goer and nobody else in my family was interested. For the most part I was alone and going through a baptism alone would frighten anyone. But that isn't the entire explanation for my fear.

I fully believe it's a sign from God that this was The Prompt this week and I've been asking for a sign for a few days now.

My life is going through some pretty windy storms right now. I've recently discovered for myself that friends and family sometimes aren't enough. I've gotten into therapy and renewed my faith in Jesus Christ. So as selfish as this may sound... I'm praying for myself, because I'm terrified.

I've had this unexplainable feeling the last two days or so. This dire need to drop to my knees and pray. I've NEVER felt anything like this in my life. The feeling that I just need to bow my head and fold my hands and pray. Pray for a sign, pray for an answer, pray for a clearer picture of what God is trying to show me or for what he's trying to tell me. It's an entirely alienable feeling to me, so much so that I almost feel strange actually praying.

I can not honestly say I've always been a believer. I went through a few years where God was not in my life. I was a lost soul and severely needed guidance. So while I'm praying for myself, I'm going to pray for others like me. Those who are afraid to take the leap into religion, a leap into faith. Those who have gotten lost or misguided on their path to Our Lord. I'm going to pray that one day, it strikes them about as hard as it struck me--to just drop down on their knees, bow their heads, fold their hands and pray.

So Lord,

I know you know in my heart of hearts and this soul of mine how lost I've been without you. I know you've seen my struggles and I've felt you help me through the worst of them. I'm scared I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel with my latest struggles I'm not getting the help I once recieved. I've taken this as a sign, directly from you, to come back into your arms. I'm taking this as a sign that you'll guide me on the path you've chosen for me. I'm begging you to remain by my side as I take this huge leap into your arms that I should've taken years ago. I pray that through your word and with your help I will find happiness in my life. I pray that with your help I will one day feel complete. Lord, please take my hand and guide me through the processes of the Lutheran Church so that I am better able to serve you. Please help me succeed in my therapy and guide me and my family through this weak point in my relationship with Stefan. Please help us become a stronger unit and a better model for our daughter.

Amen.


I didn't tell you this previously because I thought it'd ruin the affect :-P... That is the first true prayer ever to go from these lips to Our Lord.

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I'm also an Adult Child of an Adult Child.

I started seeing a counselor a few months ago. I dispelled the notion of being an Adult Child in college. I spoke with a counselor a few times and he also described me as an AC. I read a book about it and really got into it. I was excited to finally have a means to an end for the ways I was feeling until I shared the good news with my mother. She told me all that counselor was trying to do was to blame my parents for all the wrong in my life and that I needed to start accepting the blame for my actions. So, I did and I turned off the light at the end of my tunnel.

Until a few months ago. My counselor is fantastic. I've never been happier. I'm reading a book all about ACOA and honestly, I think I'm doing really well with all of it.

One of the "Laundry List" items of ACOA is that we don't know what normal is. We watch what other people do and get our "normal" from that. Essentially comparing our lives with everyone else's. Because we did not have a normal functional family, we could never have possibly learned what is common and what is not.

I've never really felt like I've done that. Until this weeks session. We were talking about bumping into people we don't like. I know a few people that Stefan doesn't care for. I suddenly became very worried that these particular people share common interests with me. For instance, our kids enjoy the same playground. So I started looking for alternate playgrounds to play at (which was a total bust, by the way). I shared this with my counselor who told me I was being irrational. That I couldn't possibly avoid every single place I might bump into these people.

I was so worried that we'd bump into these people at the park or the gym or the grocery store and it'd be one big awkward (or possibly horrible) moment that I tried to avoid that entirely. Because, irrationally, I was thinking that Stefan would think I was setting him up or that I knew these people would be there and that is why I wanted to go there in the first place.

It was a very humbling session. So, I guess this is me, an Adult Child of Alcoholic, on my quest of normality.

Lisa, at “Just Lisa, No Filler” wrote about housecleaning today… Which reminded me of a morning I had a few weeks ago that I felt I needed to share.

Working the graveyards and wanting to be able to spend time with my family, has left me very little choice other than to sleep all day. Normally when I come home, the house is a mess and all I want to do is clean while nobody is there and I can’t. It’s frustrating!

This particular morning, I’d had a rather stressful night at work. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed, shut my eyes and dream about fluffy clouds and rainbows and pink ponies. Stefan and I had spent a fair amount of time cleaning that week and the house was looking pretty darn good, if I do say. But I was entirely unprepared for the shock I would feel upon entering my home.

It smelled fantastic. It was dark, there were candles lit. It was clean. The floor was clean, Rileigh’s clothes were put away, the TV was off, the computer was off. The dishes were put away. NOTHING needed to be done. I turned on my computer, opened up ITunes and played some Aretha… I shut off every light I could find and I crashed on the floor in our “office”. It was the most amazing feeling.

Our house is so much hustle and bustle all the time. The TVs in both rooms are always going. The lights are rarely off. SOMEONE is always making nose. The computer is always on. There is just never any real down time.

So this was a treat of the most magnificent kind. Unintentional. I had the house to myself. I had it the way I wanted it. It smelled delicious. I could unwind and really be myself. I hadn’t felt that good since I lived on my own in college.

Almost makes me miss having a place of my own. Almost. I wouldn’t give Stefan and Rileigh up for the world. Having a morning like that once or twice a month would do just fine!

I'm playing around with HTML. I'm in the learning process, so bear with me as there will be several changes coming in the future! I hope you enjoy and comments/critiques are always appreciated!

Thank you much!

Kas

When I woke up I asked myself... "Self: What would be fun to do today?" It was immediately obvious that getting mauled and stalked by hundreds of geese and ducks who are only interested in you for your buns would be the PERFECT DAY.

So, Rileigh and I had the great pleasure of going to the Duck Park late yesterday afternoon. It’s a wonderful little park, in a quiet part of Grand Island, which has a pond overflowing with geese and ducks! I stopped by the bakery to grab some day old rolls and picked Rileigh up from daycare and went straight to the park.

I was worried she’d be terrified of the ducks. Her Grandma has a few geese on her farm and she isn’t terribly fond of them. And by "isn't terribly fond of them" I mean SCREAMS OF TERROR AND STREAMS OF TEARS until the beasts go away! But that was 6weeks ago. Alot happens in 6 weeks! Luckily for me, she LOVED it. She understood that they’d get close when she threw them the bits of bread and followed them around squealing! It was adorable. She wound up eating the bread herself after about 20 minutes throughly enjoying the look on the ducks' faces as she took another delectable morsel and put it in her mouth. I'd certainly say she's a product of me.

It WAS cute the way she ate the bread. I’ve never known her to really eat bread. She’s never interested in toast or peanut butter and jelly. She always throws the bread on the ground, no doubt testing the theory that bread always lands butter side down--my little scientist girl. It was a treat for me and I let her munch away.

She was fussy as anything once we got home. NOTHING satisfied her. I was going out of my mind trying to calm her down! She was a total spitfire—very demanding and very pushy!

Stefan was under the weather because he had dental work done that morning but he helped where he could. He made a wonderful dinner of Chicken and Rice… But really wasn’t in the mood to help with Rileigh and I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to deal with her either!

And the icing on the cake would be my daycare provider calling me at 230 am (an hour ago) to tell me her husband is in the ER for an emergency appendectomy! So the roles got reversed. I’m watching her daughter tomorrow. It’s going to be a loooooong day. Her little Lauren is a doll though; Rileigh will enjoy having someone to play with.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

I used to write like CRAZY. About 3 years ago I stopped. For no real reason. I'm forcing myself to start up again. My therapist thinks it has to do with how hard I am on myself. How harshly I judge myself and a violation of privacy that has happened in the past.

Working through all of that, I've come up with a little poem for Rileigh.

You can't compare anything with those big blue eyes,
For nothing else is as magnificent, not even the skies.

You can't get lost in them like the deep blue sea,
for they devour you entirely-like a supernova you never see.

One look from them and you're forever anew,
Hooked for eternity on that shade of blue!

I suppose it’s time to update about my health. I’m not really sure what to say… I’m not dying… Or at least my doctor doesn’t think so! Which is good news.

The ultrasound of my abdomen was clear. They’re worried I can feel my organs (I can feel more than just that one now) but all they’re doing is putting me on a high protein/caloric diet and hope I gain weight. If not I’m supposed to go back in 3 weeks. I’m currently on week 2 of my 170 grams of protein diet. Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat 170 grams of protein.

I’m literally STUFFED all day long. I’m trying to eat healthy… So I’ll eat like chicken breast, cashews, almonds, yogurt, whole milk, string cheese, oranges, apples. I’m also drinking Ensure Plus and protein enhanced water. It’s STILL HARD to get 170 grams of protein in a day! I literally have to make sure everything I eat has 3g of protein or more per serving. Otherwise I won’t make it.

I didn’t weigh myself at the end of last week, but I will on Friday (I need to buy a scale) and see how much I’ve gained. I was 130 at my appointment. OH WAIT! At the hotel this weekend I weight myself on their scale and it said 129. (The scales like at the Dr.’s office.) 129! That is SUCH CRAP.

I refuse to start working out until I’m at least 140-145… It’ll be my reward for finally gaining a decent amount of weight. I’ve never had issues with my weight. I’ve always been able to gain/lose when I’ve wanted.

Everyone keeps telling me to get a third opinion. Truthfully I’m sick and tired of doctors. I’m going to try this first and then go if I need to.

I really like my Gyno and trust his opinion so I’m going to talk to him during my bi-yearly… I’ve always got issues in that department so more than likely I’ll get an appointment or two from my checkup. (That would be thanks to a high-risk HPV strain.) UGH.

The Prompt:
I used to think...



I used to think that people who looked down on me for being an unwed mother were right. They were right to think I was a whore because I wasn’t married and was obviously pregnant. Now, I could care less. Now I think that their own insecurities make them point their noses up at unwed mothers.

I used to think that The Bible was just another Novel. That Jesus may have been a person and he may have been God’s son, but God did not create the Earth in 7 days.

I used to think my friend Nathan was a stand up guy until we got into a religion conversation and he told me E-Free and Berean churches shouldn’t be Christian because they’re “slacker” type churches. They’re aren’t true churches and they aren’t true Religion. They’re too modern and they’re ideals and values don’t adhere to those in The Bible. Now I think he’s just like the dozens of other close-minded, on-their-soap-box type Catholics I’ve met.

I used to think ALL Catholics were like that. But I’ve meet so many good Catholics out there!

I used to think I’d go to college, get married and then have children. But I guess that’s what everyone thinks.

I used to think I was better than the people who drank and did drugs in High School. I used to think I was keeping up with the smart kids by taking the same classes and joining the same sports. Now I realize I was a stuck-up wannabe jerk that only a few people truly understood.

I used to think that brand names were important, that the price tag and the store you bought from were important. Now I know comfort, fit and cut are what truly matter!

I used to think I had too many responsibilities (in high school) . I laugh at that person now!


I guess growing up has taught and shown me a lot of things. Of course I can’t consider myself entirely grown up. I’ve got a ways to go. But compared to other couples/people my age, I’m doing really well. I may not have finished college and I may not be married. But I’m happy. I’ve got good friends and great family! I’m really learning where happiness comes from! I think the true test of my maturity will come on my wedding day and whether or not I decide to smear cake all over Stefan’s face or not… Even though we both agreed we wouldn’t do it!

Sooo.. Sorry everyone I've not been updating as I should. My work blocked blogger.com with their new web safety gear. I'm not fond of that as I can't READ the blogs I follow as often... Since all my free time is at work (oh the irony...) I'll be catching up soon though! I promise!

I haven't been able to update because a) I got acrylic nails put on and typing is hard. and b) I've got some medical stuff that's plaguing me.

I found a lump in my abdomen which according to my internist is better described as a mass. It's in the upper left quadrant if you're interested. I've visited the doctors recently for a sudden weightloss (20 lbs) unexplained and unprovoked. My body is catching infections easier and not healing as quickly and I don't sleep as well. Among other things. Well this mass has since started to HURT.

I've got an ultrasound at 9 am. I'll fill you in more then and update you. I'm currently starving myself and not using the restroom (at the request of the radiologist) so this will be short... So that I can SLEEP these things away.. As I am both hungry and have to pee.

I just got off work (something that couldn't be avoided) so that is why I'm up :)

Catch you tomorrow! Wish me luck!

I've been going to therapy for about a month now (ya'll knew that right?!) and I absolutely love my LMHP. She's fantastic. Well she recommended I read a bakk about Adult Children of Alcoholics. I picked up on aptly titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz.

It's a relief knowing what it is that causes my dysfuntional behavior, which I haven't gone into much depth about here. But it's also sad because not only is it going to be a long hard learning process I'm learning to regret not studying this more in college when it was first brought to my attention by a counselor at my college. I just think that I would be so much better off if I had just taken it more seriously. I wouldn't be in the position I am in now, with frazzled relationships with my coworkers and family and some friends. It's exhausting and overwhelming to really think about it.

But all that aside it is a good thing! At least I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel!

Maybe soon I'll get into more depth about the issue--help people like me understand that there is proper help out there! But not today!

Anyway, since therapy, Stefan and I's relationship has been wonderful. We have our ups and downs due to the dysfunction that is instilled in my thought process. We're slowly learning together. He's starting counseling with me next Monday! I'm excited!

Now for my greater news! We've decided if things go well with that as well as my egg donation process--that we will begin working on a new baby! Hopefully around August/September 2009! Rileigh will be turning 2 at that point and 3 years is an appropriate age gap. Not to mention Rileigh is just dying to have more little people to play with at home!

It's a huge leap for me because I sincerely doubt we will be married by that time. Which saddens me but at the same time, I want what's best for Rileigh and she desperately wants a little brother or sister to have around. Wouldn't it be great to have a little baby boy to give me away at our wedding? Awww!!

So that's where we are now! Finally in an agreeance about when to start adding to our family! But that's assuming counseling and donating go well for us.

We already know we're going to be together forever but I have so many ups and downs that I'd really love to get solved before we further our plans to start this little family!

I plan to start college in Fall of 2009 too! Just when we start trying again! SAHM who goes to college--man I tell you it will be rough, but in the long run it'll be entirely worth it!

I am a horrible baker. I can't bake anything to save my life.

The day I get held up in my house and demanded to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies or Mr. Gunman will shoot me up execution style will be the day I die--execution style.

I can't bake. I can't do it. Kudos to my mother for stealing all of my baking abilities. That woman can bake the most delicious cake/cookies/bread with her hands tied behind her back, blind folded and with no electric mixer. It's fascinating.

Anytime I try to bake, my all but supportive boyfriend Stefan comically remembers the first time I baked cookies for him. The dough was dry and crumbly--it wouldn't stick together to form balls to put on the pan. I INSISTED that if I just put the batter the refrigerator that it would moisten right up and we'd have cookies in no time. The result? Said batter sat in the refrigerator for 3 weeks, maybe longer, before I realized I probably wasn't going to be making cookies again anytime soon.

Or the time when I got tired and fell asleep in the process of baking the cookies and they were charred so badly to the bottom of the brand new baking pan (With airflow technology!!) that I threw out the cookies--still attached to the pan. I've since earned the title for creating the most durable hockey pucks the Tri-City Hockey league has ever had the delight of using.

I'm just hopeless.

Stefan has challenged me to make cookies for St. Valentine's Day. I told him to pack his things and move out.

My poor daughter will never know the delight of coming home to fresh baked cookies and milk, as I did. Unless Grandma's in town!

Suck it up kid you're stuck with Hy-vee Sugar Cookies!

Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog within the last week. It was purely coincidence that my most recent blog was my “Who am I” blog. Ironic J

I’ve been visiting an LMHP so I’ve really had to dive in deep to reconnect with myself. She’s challenging my mind in ways I don’t want to be challenged, but overall will make me a mentally healthier individual.

It’s been an exhausting few weeks. Last week I survived on 4 hours or less of sleep a day. I was a literal insomniac and my body was torn down. Luckily I had a three day weekend. It was much, much needed. I went through my house and located areas that needed organizational improvements and focused a lot of my time doing that. Does anyone else find it extremely hard to unwind when something in your house needs to be done? Yeah, me too. But I was just torn apart last week and couldn’t force myself to do anything! I HATE THAT.

So my house is in much better shape. The bathroom was the worst, god I hated it. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and the ONLY storage space in the bathroom is under the sink. (Men designed the apartment, clearly). I found an over the toilet space saver a shower curtain/rug and an over the door hanger for towels and such. It’s an AMAZING improvement. We had a microwave stand holding our clean towels before and it was bulky and in the way. Rileigh loved to tear the towels out and throw them all over hell.

We moved the microwave stand into our walk-in closet (that’s basically the storage room for lack of sufficient storage elsewhere) for sheets and extra clothes of Stefan’s. I’m a much saner individual.

ANY STORAGE/ORGANIZATION TIPS ARE APPRECIATED.

I’ve learned that living in a small house means you need to find storage and organization EVERYWHERE you can. I hate clutter. It makes me uneasy. So this is how I’ve come to deal.

My next big thing will be our office area, I’ll upload some pictures when I get home. I need better storage for these items. I also need to go through and get rid of crap I don’t want that I’ve accumulated.

That’s where my efforts are this week. I also hope I’m able to focus on this project.

I’m making sure to read the blogs of everyone who leaves a comment! So… Be fruitful and multiply? LOL. Who knows. But it benefits you to read and comment on my blog. I scratch your back if you scratch mine J

I guess this is something I've been struggling with my entire life. I don't know who I am.

I can be 'labeled' as a mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a co-worker, a dispatcher and a cousin. But is that who I really am? All of these things only take up a very small part of me.

I can be called talkative, lazy, liar, smart, funny, confident, neurotic, forgetful, sexy, thoughtful and creative. However, these are things others see in me!

Who am I? Who do I believe I am? If I dig down far enough and really be truly honest with myself...

I am a woman who cherishes her family. I am someone who constantly misses my friends--even when they're only upstairs. I am deeply flawed and extremely emotional. I am deeply scarred but hardly wounded. I love poetry and the smell of brand new books. I love the sounds of words when read aloud. Each syllable, each word, each sentence and each paragraph.

I love to hear myself laugh--I don't do it near enough anymore.

I'm someone who talks more talk than she'll ever allow herself to walk. I constantly fight my inner demons and 90% of the time, they win. I'm impatient and ridiculous, but I expect you to wait for me when I'm running late. I'm always running late.

I'm half-way between irresponsible and completely independent. I get things done on my own damn time and I forget the world doesn't work that way. I'm passionate about the little things. The little people.

I don't cry when I'm sad. I have an irrational fear of crying when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry because I don't know what else to do. I talk fast and loud when I'm excited. I have a lisp when I'm tired or drunk.

I'm the one who fills the void of silence. I can't stand silence. I sleep with the TV on, I clean with the music blaring. The only time I require silence is when I'm reading. When I'm reading I hear the sounds of the voices I've created for my characters. I hear the sounds of the bustling in the book. I let myself get completely enveloped by books, it's my escape.

I'm plain and simple--straight to the point. I've been referred to as glamorous and I've never quite understood that. I find the beauty in everyone and typically I'm jealous of it but only at first, because I tend to dwell on the negatives of everyone.

I'm happy nearly 100% of the time it's just hard to tell by the way I talk.

I cuss like a sailor and I am ashamed of it. I've been raised to believe it's not lady-like yet I refuse to quit.

I have to constantly remind myself to put forth an effort to learn about other people. It's not as though I'm not interested in what they have to say, I just get lost in my own conversation that I forget to ask people how they are and how they're doing.

I'm open-minded and sometimes judemental. I have a hard time walking in someone else's shoes without first being reminded. Empathy is certinaly not inherent in me.

My heart aches when I see an elderly man eating alone. I have felt a strange type of remorse for people on death row.

I constantly believe I'm not good enough. In anything I try to do, I first question myself. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Will I fail? What will others think? How will I feel if I fail? But you'll never know it because I'm the master of putting on a brave face. I rarely try new things.

I pretend to know more about things than I actually do. When I can hardly tell you about myself!

I am Kassandra.

My insomnia is back, full force, completely knocking me out. It's awful and I hate it.

Yesterday I decided that even though I hadn't had alot of sleep this week, I needed to straighten up my house--and that I did. I laid down at 10 tossed and turned until 12 when Stefan called to tell me I had an errand to run (damnit) and I got ready for that. Turns out I didn't need to run that errand and by 1, I was already so annoyed at my lack of sleeping abilities I decided to go pick my dear Rileigh up from daycare--only she was napping.

I diddled around until 3 and picked her up. We went to Kid's Kingdom to run around. I suspected she wasn't feeling the best but she was having a blast and wasn't running a fever. I assume she is teething. These 1st year molars might kill us.

Needless to say I didn't get to bed until 6, Stefan probably wasn't too happy about not being able to see me (sorry baby!) and even then I tossed and turned the entire 4 hours. I woke up late, didn't get to shower and my night went downhill ever since.

I hate when I miss my shower.

I refuse to call someone in to cover for me so I can go home because it's supposed to be 62* today. SIXTY TWO. I refuse to be sick. I refuse to miss this fantastic opportunity to bring my daughter to the park. I refuse ,I refuse, I refuse! *Unless of course she's out of daycare today.. Then I might just die.*

The things we do for our kids.. MAN. I'm telling you though, if I was single--that park would be the ultimate place to pick up hot single fathers. They mingle there. It's AWESOME. So at least I know where to go for some good eye-candy.

I just wish Stefan could be one of the hot (not single) fathers that mingled there more often. His damn job is getting ridiculous. He works 11 hours a day 6 days a week and sometimes he goes in on Sunday's too. I loathe his job right now. But at least he's got one right? I have to remember to be thankful that he has a job, that I have a job and that we can raise our daughter.

I just miss him. I don't see him until well after 6 and I sometimes lay back down when Rileigh goes to bed at 8. He hardly ever comes with me to chill out. He's interested in the computer or watching his stupid sports crap.

Graveyards blow.